Monday, July 31, 2006

Dear Michael Buble,

Hey pal, how's it goin?

Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that the show you played for my birthday in Spokane last week was freakin cool.

However, I've never been to a concert like yours before. Ever. And I have to admit that I've been to quite a few concerts in my time.

No one warned me that your concert, while filled with absolutely AMAZING music, lighting and stage presence, would be completely attended by crazy, randy, 40-somethings.

These women all flocked up to the stage and stretched out their hands to have that one brief moment of ecstasy that would be physically contacting you. It was strange. Does it ever make you kind of uncomfortable to be lusted after by women your mom's age (or older)? That would be pretty weird for me.

However, your show was just so good that I can over look that. I am so glad that you are around singing old standards. As a swing dancer and lover of everything vintage I am so impressed by your ability to conjure up the coolness of a bygone era. People of our generation hardly know the old songs of Ella and Frank. When I make a joke about the rat pack they shake their head, look at me and say, "did you mean to say 'snack pack' like from Billy Madison?"

So yeah, good show. Did you get a chance to see any of Spokane while you were there? I called you like a bazilllion times to see if you wanted to hang out with the ear doctor and I but you never returned my calls. (which, Mikey, is really quite rude). Anyway, here is a weekend re-cap of the activities that you missed out on.

The day after the show we went downtown to the thriving metropolis of Spokane, WA and saw Monster House. The lead character totally reminded me of my cousin Tyler. Then, we had a freakin awesome bbq with my bff Kathy and her baby Olivia (her hubby Matt came too). Olivia is getting so big and totally walks on her own now (kind of).

Friday morning the ear doctor, my mom and I drove out to the Hiawatha trail in Montana and did a 16 mile bike ride along an old railway track. It was beautiful. Western Montana is right up there for the most beautiful places on the earth.

Saturday I took my dad golfing at the course I worked in high school. Michael, I was totally hitting the ball like a pro! I was starting to have visions of my Nike endorsement and my joint celebrity status with Tiger. I only lost 2 balls!

On Sunday the most amazing thing happened. I flew from Spokane to Denver (via a layover in Vegas) without a single mishap. Both flights were on time, I got the seats I wanted, my luggage came over fine and I found my car without incident. It was really an amazing feat. I'm sure you can remember the days when you used to fly commercial airlines so you can truly appreciate how rare this is.

Thanks again for putting on that great show. If you're ever in Denver and looking for a place to stay my futon has your name written all over it.



Monday, July 24, 2006

Dear Michelle Kwan,

Hey pal! What's up? Its been a while since we caught up. So long, in fact that I was totally surprised when you helped the ear doctor throw me the most awesome birthday weekend ever.

So, I'm sure you know everything that happened, but I just wanted to fill you in on all the details, because that's what girlfriends do, you know? Cool.

So Saturday we went to the renaissance festival. It was freakin so much fun. The ear doctor's parents went with us and they were their typical hilarious and fun selves. There were so many crazy dressed up people; I was in people watching heaven. What possesses a full grown man to don a tunic and pull up the tights I will never really understand.

We had a turkey leg (finally) and a bbq pork sandwich. Also, they had this treat there that I've never had before and was delicious. They cut an orange in half and that froze a mound of orange or strawberry Italian ice to the top of the halved orange. It was freakin amazing. The ear doctor and I decided that at our next BBQ were were going to do the same thing except with limes and raspberry sorbet. Michelle, you would have just died over the little girls all dressed up as princesses. You would have been so jealous of their sparkles.

Then, after the festival we came home and the ear doctor took me to my favorite place in Denver for dinner.

You totally know the place I'm taking about, don't you? It's so cool that you know me so well.

Tamayo is SOOOOO awesome.

After dinner we went to see you and your pal Sasha Cohen at Champions on Ice. I totally love that they respect you and your accomplishments and don't make you do the cheesy (yet wonderful) closing number. When Sasha kind of slipped and fell on her bum it was slightly reminiscent of the games, and it was pretty clear to everyone there that Shizuka really is the best and rightfully won the medal this year.

Michelle, can I just take a minute to brag about how rad my boyfriend is? I doubt that he would ever in a million years want to go to see you skate your little booty off of his own free will. He knows how much I like ice skating and went because (a) you and I are such good friends and he likes to make a good impression on my friends and (b) I secretly wish I was living the life of an Olympic ice skater...just like 85% of this nations female population.

Anyway, so yesterday was actually my b-day, but I figured it would kind of be low key because it was Sunday. We both went to church (which was great and if you're ever interested in knowing more about Mormons, let me know) and then went to his house to hang out. I left to go home and take a Sunday nap (my favorite ever). The ear doctor told me to come back to his house at 7 because he was making me a fancy, romantic dinner.

Turns out he was really throwing me a surprise birthday party with all of my friends! He made the most delicious roast and mashed potatoes. I was sad you couldn't come, but with the tour and everything I totally understand. Maybe next year!

Anyway, good luck with the rest of the tour. It was really awesome.

Give me a call so we can catch up soon! I want to hear all of the drama between you, Sasha and Shizuka because I'm sure there is some great dirt.



Friday, July 21, 2006

Dear Leann (Maggie's MIL),

I want to make this hat:

Do you think you could help me figure out the pattern?



Thursday, July 20, 2006

Dear Scalp,

So today you are totally fascinating to me.

This weekend I (rudely) left you out in the sun far longer than the 10 minutes that it takes you to burn. Consequently, you turned a wonderful shade of pink. Actually, judging by the level of pain you caused me, I thought I had actually blistered you right up.

I'm truly sorry about that.

Today you have begun to flake off in huge, disgusting, leprosy-like flakes and as much as I know I should be embarrassed by you I am secretly very intrigued. I've never noticed your personal flare with peeling. You are so unlike my arms, legs and nose when you peel. When they peel it comes off in long, thin, silk-like layers. You, on the other hand, peel off in deep, thick, angry chunks. Chunks that stick in my hair and give the impression of poor hygiene habits. Picking bits of you out of my hair gives me a sick kind of pleasure that I should try to hide but refuse to.

Right now you are so itchy that I wish I could just spend the rest of the afternoon in front of a mirror getting every little bit out.

But I won't.

I'll save that for tomorrow.



Dear Grandma Jane,

I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but I think you are amazing.

Now that I'm not at BYU anymore I really miss being able to pop over to your house. When I became overwhelmed by the strange and foreign atmosphere surrounding campus I would take a break, drive 10 minutes, and be engulfed in a haven of family and love. I remember having homework and projects looming over me, stifling my creativity and all but damming my ability to smile. All of that pressure would loom large until I drove up University to your house.

It was like hiking in the mountains when the clouds sink low into the valleys. You stumble, strive and struggle through the murky clouds until you finally reach the cloudline. Then, suddenly and without warning you break through and the sun is shining so intensely that you have to squint to take in the brightness coupled with relief.

That was invaluable to me.

The time we spent hanging out in the sunroom eating re-heated homemade chicken soup and watching the birds in the pond reminded me of what was important. It kept me grounded, sane and real. It gave me perspective. When Maggie got to live with you her last semester at BYU I was so jealous. I couldn't believe how lucky she was to have to best two roommates in the world. When she told me about how you guys all ate dinner together every night and went to see gardens on the weekends I was green with envy.

I love you. I love everything about you. I love it that you go to the gym about 10 times more often that I do. I love that you are so busy and full of life. I love that I can help you figure out your computer. I love that you have every spice in the world in your spice cabinet. I love that your garden is the most amazing on the block. I love that you send me cards you printed out from your computer.

Which is why I love that you were so thoughtful to get me the perfect birthday present this year. My birthday isn't until Sunday and two days ago I got a box in the mail. I didn't even put it together that it might be a gift, but when I opened it up and found the most beautiful, gleaming 8" chef knife I was so stunned that I was speechless. I've already used it a bunch of times and it makes everything so much easier on me. It really helps this new-found cooking passion of mine. I even let the ear doctor use it just to show him the amazing difference having an awesome knife makes.

So thank you grandma. From the bottom of my heart.



Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dear Derek W,

Thank you so much for saying that I am witty and that my blog was funny and cool today at lunch. Sometimes I start to wonder if my writing is enjoyable to anyone besides myself, but when people compliment it without any prodding at all its nice.

It really made me happy.



Monday, July 17, 2006

Dear Boss,

Thanks so much for the surprise today.

After my long and awesome trip out to Lake Tahoe (pictures will be coming later) I was kind of dreading coming back to work this morning. Your little gift made it much easier.

Now, instead of trying to keep five windows open at once I have two beautiful monitors to use.

I feel so loved and very hi tech. I promise to use this new monitor to its fullest capacity. It really means a lot to me that you would invest your money in making my job easier. Now when people glance into my office they will see the majesty that is my dual monitor computer system and realize how very important I am.

Because, we all know, your level of importance in the workplace is measured by how cool your computer set-up is. Or was that how your dork level is rated? I can't remember.



Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear Bryan, Alan, Becky, and James,

I just wanted to show you what you are going to be missing this weekend:

Yes, what you are looking at is the weather report for Lake Tahoe this weekend. That perfect weather prognosis is what Britt, Derek and I will be enjoying. While we will miss you all, we want you to know that we will be having a fabulous time in one of the most beautiful places in the country with the most spectacular weather you could ask for.



Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dear New House,

For the last three weeks the majority of my brain power has been dedicated to a housing search. Turns out I am kind of picky when it comes to places to live. This is probably directly attributable to the dumps that I chose to live in while attending college. Now I feel like I've paid my dues and really don't want to ever slide back into the mindset of being able to live anywhere.

I've spent hours upon hours searching craigslist, and rentclicks. Cross-referencing, cataloging, printing listings I've put together a fairly impressive index of available rental properties in Boulder.

However, at the end of last week I found you. You little gem hiding out in North Boulder. I love everything about you, from your 3.5 bathrooms to your vaulted ceilings. From your shuttered windows to the calm sage green walls of the master bedroom. It was like you and I were made for each other. I can't wait to sign the lease and begin paying your owner's mortgage.

I thought that once I had found "the one" this restlessness in my soul would be appeased. I thought that everything would calm down and I'd be able to work really hard in other areas of my life (aka work, church, relationships). Alas, this has not been the case.

From the very moment that I've found you my head has been reeling. I keep thinking about how best to go about decorating you. I search bedding, kitchens, craft spaces, laundry rooms, bathrooms, wall decor, area rugs, throw pillows, furniture, it goes on and on. My head is spinning around this stuff so much that I feel like my eyes just spin around and around like a quarter going down one of those funnel-shaped donation buckets.

My daily clicks to news sites and family blogs have warped into this mad infatuation with sites like Oh Happy Day, Decor8, Domino and Oh Joy!

Please, tell me that I'll do a good job of making you into my perfect little space. Tell me that I'll be able to afford everything I want to do. Tell me everything will be alright. I'm starting to feel out of control.



Monday, July 10, 2006

Dear Rain,

In case you didn't get the memo, this is Colorado. The place where it is dry as a bone and people who live here love that fact.

Consequently, when you choose to come and POUR all weekend you seriously cramp everyone's style. All I have heard at work this morning is about the rain. Someone complains about it and then someone else tells them not to be upset because we "really needed it."

I just wanted to let you know what I missed because of your behavior. To give you some kind of preface for this story, I have to go back to the first summer I lived in Colorado....summer of 2002. I was a lowly intern with the company that I work for now. I was living in crappy, nasty student housing up on the hill with no airconditioning and two roommates who wouldn't speak to me when they found out I was Mormon. One day at work I heard someone telling a story of their weekend. The started to describe something that I very much wanted to see. The renaissance festival.

Basing my assumptions on the interesting people who were part of the sword and quill club at BYU, I was immediately intrigued by this event and went to the source of all information to do a little research. The internet. There I found that the Colorado renaissance festival was a huge event occurring every year where people dressed up, jousted, and fenced. Unfortunately for that season I was too late; the festival ended at the end of July.

Upon returning to BYU I put this serious disappointment aside, thinking I would probably never return to the great state of Colorado. Imagine my delight when fortune turned at the end of my senior year and I indeed ended up back in Colorado.

Summer of 2003 was a hard one for me. I didn't really know anyone and spent the majority of my weekends flying home or driving up into the mountains to visit friends from BYU. I didn't have the sway over anyone to induce them to come with me down to Larkspur.

Fast forward through the next two summers when camping trips and weddings derailed my attempts to attend.

At the beginning of this summer I was set on going to the festival. I made up a schedule of every weekend in summer and found the only day I could go was July 8. July 8th was to be the day when my ultimate desire was to be satiated. I was looking forward with heady anticipation.

When I woke up Saturday morning and saw that you had chosen to foil my plans by arriving in a very unseasonable monsoon that lasted ALL DAY LONG I was amazed. At first I looked out of my window, staring in complete unbelief. How could this happen to me? I'd made a plan! I am outraged! Oh well, I guess it'll be alright. Fine, I'll just go next year.

Anyway, I guess it's good that you came. We needed the rain.



PS You owe me a turkey leg.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Dear Joey,

I recently heard about your defeat and wanted to send you my most sincere condolences. I am very proud of your efforts and think that you should have won this last weekend.

There is only one thing that I really truly look forward to watching on ESPN, but this year the event carried with it a sting of betrayal. No, I'm not talking about the scandal of the tour de France-cyclist-blood-doping fiasco. I'm talking about the ridiculous outrage that I experienced when I discovered that you were ROBBED of that beauty of all beauties.... the coveted mustard yellow belt given to the champion of the annual Nathan's hot dog eating competition on Coney Island.

For the last couple of years I have witnessed the amazing eating prowess of your Japanese competitor, Takeru Kobayashi. I was amazed that he ate with the speed and skill of a trained samurai. No one even came close to his abilities.

However, this year there was one man who rose out of the ranks of obscurity to truly challenge Kobayashi's kung-foo grip on the competition.

An American.

You, Joey Chestnut, were the common man I could get behind. The shy, quiet, every-man engineer that I could relate to. Reviving the American spirit for the 4th of July and reminding us all of why we are who we are. Why we do what we do. You were the clear victor.

Sure, Kobayashi ate more dogs than you did. I'll admit that all the live long day. However, it was a clear as the lemonade you used to soak your bun and slide it down your throat that he should be disqualified. He broke one of the cardinal rules of the sport. He should be disgraced, disbarred and dismembered for accepting the victory.

He vomited a bit of his 49th dog back into his lemonade cup.

Granted, he did slurp it back down and continue on but I do not agree with the official line the judges are trying to spin. Who on earth could buy this trash:

"The effluvia never touched the table," Kuntzman said, a distinction he claimed was part of the International Federation of Competitive Eating's official rules. "When the hot dog came up, and some of it came out his nose, Kobayashi sucked it back down. To me, that's the testament of a champion and great athlete."

Joey, don't let this set back dissuade you from your true calling in competitive eating. You are a true athlete who will rise again. You have my support.