Dear Leann (Maggie's MIL),

I want to make this hat:



Do you think you could help me figure out the pattern?

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Scalp,

So today you are totally fascinating to me.

This weekend I (rudely) left you out in the sun far longer than the 10 minutes that it takes you to burn. Consequently, you turned a wonderful shade of pink. Actually, judging by the level of pain you caused me, I thought I had actually blistered you right up.

I'm truly sorry about that.

Today you have begun to flake off in huge, disgusting, leprosy-like flakes and as much as I know I should be embarrassed by you I am secretly very intrigued. I've never noticed your personal flare with peeling. You are so unlike my arms, legs and nose when you peel. When they peel it comes off in long, thin, silk-like layers. You, on the other hand, peel off in deep, thick, angry chunks. Chunks that stick in my hair and give the impression of poor hygiene habits. Picking bits of you out of my hair gives me a sick kind of pleasure that I should try to hide but refuse to.

Right now you are so itchy that I wish I could just spend the rest of the afternoon in front of a mirror getting every little bit out.

But I won't.

I'll save that for tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Grandma Jane,

I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but I think you are amazing.

Now that I'm not at BYU anymore I really miss being able to pop over to your house. When I became overwhelmed by the strange and foreign atmosphere surrounding campus I would take a break, drive 10 minutes, and be engulfed in a haven of family and love. I remember having homework and projects looming over me, stifling my creativity and all but damming my ability to smile. All of that pressure would loom large until I drove up University to your house.

It was like hiking in the mountains when the clouds sink low into the valleys. You stumble, strive and struggle through the murky clouds until you finally reach the cloudline. Then, suddenly and without warning you break through and the sun is shining so intensely that you have to squint to take in the brightness coupled with relief.

That was invaluable to me.

The time we spent hanging out in the sunroom eating re-heated homemade chicken soup and watching the birds in the pond reminded me of what was important. It kept me grounded, sane and real. It gave me perspective. When Maggie got to live with you her last semester at BYU I was so jealous. I couldn't believe how lucky she was to have to best two roommates in the world. When she told me about how you guys all ate dinner together every night and went to see gardens on the weekends I was green with envy.

I love you. I love everything about you. I love it that you go to the gym about 10 times more often that I do. I love that you are so busy and full of life. I love that I can help you figure out your computer. I love that you have every spice in the world in your spice cabinet. I love that your garden is the most amazing on the block. I love that you send me cards you printed out from your computer.

Which is why I love that you were so thoughtful to get me the perfect birthday present this year. My birthday isn't until Sunday and two days ago I got a box in the mail. I didn't even put it together that it might be a gift, but when I opened it up and found the most beautiful, gleaming 8" chef knife I was so stunned that I was speechless. I've already used it a bunch of times and it makes everything so much easier on me. It really helps this new-found cooking passion of mine. I even let the ear doctor use it just to show him the amazing difference having an awesome knife makes.

So thank you grandma. From the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Derek W,

Thank you so much for saying that I am witty and that my blog was funny and cool today at lunch. Sometimes I start to wonder if my writing is enjoyable to anyone besides myself, but when people compliment it without any prodding at all its nice.

It really made me happy.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Boss,

Thanks so much for the surprise today.

After my long and awesome trip out to Lake Tahoe (pictures will be coming later) I was kind of dreading coming back to work this morning. Your little gift made it much easier.

Now, instead of trying to keep five windows open at once I have two beautiful monitors to use.

I feel so loved and very hi tech. I promise to use this new monitor to its fullest capacity. It really means a lot to me that you would invest your money in making my job easier. Now when people glance into my office they will see the majesty that is my dual monitor computer system and realize how very important I am.

Because, we all know, your level of importance in the workplace is measured by how cool your computer set-up is. Or was that how your dork level is rated? I can't remember.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Bryan, Alan, Becky, and James,

I just wanted to show you what you are going to be missing this weekend:



Yes, what you are looking at is the weather report for Lake Tahoe this weekend. That perfect weather prognosis is what Britt, Derek and I will be enjoying. While we will miss you all, we want you to know that we will be having a fabulous time in one of the most beautiful places in the country with the most spectacular weather you could ask for.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear New House,

For the last three weeks the majority of my brain power has been dedicated to a housing search. Turns out I am kind of picky when it comes to places to live. This is probably directly attributable to the dumps that I chose to live in while attending college. Now I feel like I've paid my dues and really don't want to ever slide back into the mindset of being able to live anywhere.

I've spent hours upon hours searching craigslist, rent.com and rentclicks. Cross-referencing, cataloging, printing listings I've put together a fairly impressive index of available rental properties in Boulder.

However, at the end of last week I found you. You little gem hiding out in North Boulder. I love everything about you, from your 3.5 bathrooms to your vaulted ceilings. From your shuttered windows to the calm sage green walls of the master bedroom. It was like you and I were made for each other. I can't wait to sign the lease and begin paying your owner's mortgage.

I thought that once I had found "the one" this restlessness in my soul would be appeased. I thought that everything would calm down and I'd be able to work really hard in other areas of my life (aka work, church, relationships). Alas, this has not been the case.

From the very moment that I've found you my head has been reeling. I keep thinking about how best to go about decorating you. I search bedding, kitchens, craft spaces, laundry rooms, bathrooms, wall decor, area rugs, throw pillows, furniture, it goes on and on. My head is spinning around this stuff so much that I feel like my eyes just spin around and around like a quarter going down one of those funnel-shaped donation buckets.

My daily clicks to news sites and family blogs have warped into this mad infatuation with sites like Oh Happy Day, Decor8, Domino and Oh Joy!

Please, tell me that I'll do a good job of making you into my perfect little space. Tell me that I'll be able to afford everything I want to do. Tell me everything will be alright. I'm starting to feel out of control.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Rain,

In case you didn't get the memo, this is Colorado. The place where it is dry as a bone and people who live here love that fact.

Consequently, when you choose to come and POUR all weekend you seriously cramp everyone's style. All I have heard at work this morning is about the rain. Someone complains about it and then someone else tells them not to be upset because we "really needed it."

I just wanted to let you know what I missed because of your behavior. To give you some kind of preface for this story, I have to go back to the first summer I lived in Colorado....summer of 2002. I was a lowly intern with the company that I work for now. I was living in crappy, nasty student housing up on the hill with no airconditioning and two roommates who wouldn't speak to me when they found out I was Mormon. One day at work I heard someone telling a story of their weekend. The started to describe something that I very much wanted to see. The renaissance festival.

Basing my assumptions on the interesting people who were part of the sword and quill club at BYU, I was immediately intrigued by this event and went to the source of all information to do a little research. The internet. There I found that the Colorado renaissance festival was a huge event occurring every year where people dressed up, jousted, and fenced. Unfortunately for that season I was too late; the festival ended at the end of July.

Upon returning to BYU I put this serious disappointment aside, thinking I would probably never return to the great state of Colorado. Imagine my delight when fortune turned at the end of my senior year and I indeed ended up back in Colorado.

Summer of 2003 was a hard one for me. I didn't really know anyone and spent the majority of my weekends flying home or driving up into the mountains to visit friends from BYU. I didn't have the sway over anyone to induce them to come with me down to Larkspur.

Fast forward through the next two summers when camping trips and weddings derailed my attempts to attend.

At the beginning of this summer I was set on going to the festival. I made up a schedule of every weekend in summer and found the only day I could go was July 8. July 8th was to be the day when my ultimate desire was to be satiated. I was looking forward with heady anticipation.

When I woke up Saturday morning and saw that you had chosen to foil my plans by arriving in a very unseasonable monsoon that lasted ALL DAY LONG I was amazed. At first I looked out of my window, staring in complete unbelief. How could this happen to me? I'd made a plan! I am outraged! Oh well, I guess it'll be alright. Fine, I'll just go next year.

Anyway, I guess it's good that you came. We needed the rain.

Sincerely,

Katie

PS You owe me a turkey leg.

Dear Joey,

I recently heard about your defeat and wanted to send you my most sincere condolences. I am very proud of your efforts and think that you should have won this last weekend.

There is only one thing that I really truly look forward to watching on ESPN, but this year the event carried with it a sting of betrayal. No, I'm not talking about the scandal of the tour de France-cyclist-blood-doping fiasco. I'm talking about the ridiculous outrage that I experienced when I discovered that you were ROBBED of that beauty of all beauties.... the coveted mustard yellow belt given to the champion of the annual Nathan's hot dog eating competition on Coney Island.

For the last couple of years I have witnessed the amazing eating prowess of your Japanese competitor, Takeru Kobayashi. I was amazed that he ate with the speed and skill of a trained samurai. No one even came close to his abilities.

However, this year there was one man who rose out of the ranks of obscurity to truly challenge Kobayashi's kung-foo grip on the competition.

An American.

You, Joey Chestnut, were the common man I could get behind. The shy, quiet, every-man engineer that I could relate to. Reviving the American spirit for the 4th of July and reminding us all of why we are who we are. Why we do what we do. You were the clear victor.

Sure, Kobayashi ate more dogs than you did. I'll admit that all the live long day. However, it was a clear as the lemonade you used to soak your bun and slide it down your throat that he should be disqualified. He broke one of the cardinal rules of the sport. He should be disgraced, disbarred and dismembered for accepting the victory.

He vomited a bit of his 49th dog back into his lemonade cup.

Granted, he did slurp it back down and continue on but I do not agree with the official line the judges are trying to spin. Who on earth could buy this trash:

"The effluvia never touched the table," Kuntzman said, a distinction he claimed was part of the International Federation of Competitive Eating's official rules. "When the hot dog came up, and some of it came out his nose, Kobayashi sucked it back down. To me, that's the testament of a champion and great athlete."

Joey, don't let this set back dissuade you from your true calling in competitive eating. You are a true athlete who will rise again. You have my support.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Adam Sandler,

I have to admit, I've been a fan of your work for quite some time. I've loved almost everything you've ever put out there. From your light and goofy era of Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison to your more romantic side of Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates it's all been good. (I'm pretending here that that animation 8 crazy nights never happened).

Not only have you provided much needed tension-releasing entertained in my life, but the life lessons you've taught me have come in quite handy. Occasionally I find myself falling back to your silver screen antics to solve one of my personal problems. For example, yesterday I considered depositing a flaming bag of poo on Meeeeee-gan's doorstep. Oh what sweet revenge it would have been to watch from her bushes as she jumped up and down on the bag to put out the flame while her husband and all the neighbors looked down on her disturbing the peace of their neighborhood.

Last night the ear doctor and I went to see your new movie Click. I was prepared for a few laughs and some light hearted comedy. What I got was far more.

That movie was excellent. It went beyond your normal bounds of love-at-first-sight romance or seeing some loser overcome his losery-ness.

It actually made me tear up and cry. It made me examine my life and make sure I had my priorities right.

It was moving, deep and powerful.

So thank you. For being yourself, for staying true to who you are and doing what you do best.

On a side note, I also think it is very cool that every movie you make has some aspect of Judaism it in. Props.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Meeeeeeee-gan,

As I told you during our first phone conversation I saw your listing for a 4 bedroom house to rent on craigslist. From what I could tell in the photos supplied, your home is really quite cute and may be just what my friends and I are looking for. You seemed cordial enough on the phone during our first conversation. However I have since learned your true nature.....that of heinous spawn of the devil.

Your true colors shone through brilliantly yesterday when I called to make a follow up for our walk through of your rental. In my most friendly, yet efficient and responsible-renter tone I introduced myself again and before I had a chance to confirm our appointment that YOU MADE I was rudely interrupted.

You informed me that you had spoken with your husband and all the neighbors and decided that we weren't good enough for your precious little area. I guess at the neighborhood council last night you had them all up in arms about the 4 wild hooligans that were interested in turning their idyllic sanctuary of a neighborhood into the kind of place that little children wouldn't be safe out at night.

And I guess you're right to worry about the 4 faithful, church-going, full-time employed, college graduates and their tendency to not only bring down the property values of the neighborhood by parking our 23 broken down cars on blocks in front of the house, but also start a meth lab in the basement. That likelihood is very high.

Good luck trying to find a small family to rent your house....for $2000/mo.

I have a news flash for you. If I was a small family and had enough money to afford a $2000/mo rent I would BUY a house, not rent something in an overprentious, stuck-up, nosy, and not really all that nice neighborhood.

And I hope you take my suggestion to heart. Remember? The one where I said you should change your craigslist ad to say something like,

This renter is only interested in renting to small families. She heartily supports discrimination based on life circumstances outside of ones control. Don't even think of applying unless you are a small family with a ridiculously large income and don't have the brains to actually buy housing and start gaining some equity with all that money you throw around. And really, if you are anything but white, upperclass and own at least two audis (or equivalent) you will never be accepted in the neighborhood so you might as well not even apply.

Good luck finding a renter.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear guy who was riding his motorcycle to work without a helmet,

This morning when you pulled up beside me at the stoplight at 27th and Baseline you looked over at me in my car and gave me the rudest look.

Was that really necessary?

I mean, I was only belting Mariah Carey's "Hero" at the top of my lungs with every window open. Is that really so offensive?

Oh, I see your point.

Carry on.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Bed,

Since I have been back from Oregon I have slept in you twice. Neither night has been restful. You have done your very best to preclude me from entering your soft refuge of shedded feathers of fowl and I'm left questioning why?

Have I done something to offend you?

Are you taking out your anger in a passive-aggressive (non)statement?

It seems that way to me.

Every night I fall asleep on my back with my hands folded serenely over my torso. Every night, that is, until I got back from my trip. Now when I flop in bed I am immediately impelled to turn over onto my stomach. I never sleep on my stomach. I don't like sleeping on my stomach.

Anyway, I think your behavior is childish.

If you have a problem with me you have to tell me.

I'm not a mind reader here.

I hate to throw around ultimatums, but if you don't allow me into your cool cocoon of comfort tonight I'm going to target to get new sheets.

Don't tempt me because I will do it.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Jenny and Jordan,

Look what happened:

Jenny's love of my buddy Bill

and

Jordan's love of the puddin pop pusher

Eerie, no?

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Oregon State,

Last weekend I took a trip up to your lovely campus to see my little sister graduate from college.

First let me comment on what a beautiful location you've chosen for yourself. The Willamette valley is one of the most breathtaking places on the planet. It is so green and intense that I felt like I was driving through a mural. Also, Corvallis itself is adorable. There were so many gorgeous old houses with character and charm. And the intense scent of the mint fields just up the road made my olfactory senses reel in nirvana.

However, there were a few things about the trip that I feel compelled to point out. I do this, not because I am a complainer, but because I feel like if you don't know what is wrong you can never fix it. And I'm all about being helpful.

There should be some kind of warning as soon as you enter the valley to anyone who has hayfever to pick up their SARS mask before driving any further. I had the worst allergies of my life this weekend. My head felt like exploding. Although the Pollyanna in me did come out when I realized I probably lost 5 lbs in snot alone.

Also, after receiving their degrees almost half of the student body just got up and walked out of the ceremony. By the time the handing out of the degrees was done the seats down on the field, intended for the graduates to enjoy one last celebratory moment together, were half way emptied. All of the Masters students had left even before the undergrads had even got anything! I felt like it was very tacky and rude not to wait to support the others. I've never seen anything like it. My thoughts were this, "if you don't want to sit through the ceremony and don't want to walk that's fine...Don't come to the ceremony. But don't come, sit through all of the pomp and circumstance for 2 hours and leave before my little sister (whose last name starts with a W and was part of the last department to walk) has a chance to get hers. Its all or nothin folks"

Thanks for taking the time to read this letter.

Go Beavs!

Sincerely,

Katie

PS My dad thought your stadium was awesome.

PPS Serving concessions during graduation is a genius move.

Dear Heidi's,

Oh my gosh. You will never believe what the ear doctor did for me.

So remember the other day when we tried to have you for lunch and I had to be back to work for a really stupid meeting. Come on, remember? It was the day I didn't get to eat there because the ear doctor and I got preoccupied and didn't show up to your door until 20 minutes before my meeting started. Well, I decided I didn't want to chance being late for the meeting, so I left the ear doctor there and headed back to my office.

That whole afternoon I was totally starving because I hadn't had time to eat.

So last night the ear doctor said that he had a surprise for me. Excitedly, I waited until after our institute (bible study) class. Then, the ear doctor pulled me into the little kitchen area. He pulled out two small square Styrofoam take-out containers.

He opened the first one and there was one of your beautiful cannolis. As he reached for the second one I said out loud, "if there is an eclair in that box you are the man of my dreams."

He reached over and unlocked the little Styrofoam tab and there it was. The eclair. We both sat on the counter talking and laughing and enjoying your delicious gourmet desserts. It was awesome.

Oh, Heidis, I think I love this man.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear neighbor,

I think it is very important to be nice to your neighbors. In my head I still hold this idyllic image of everyone on the block getting together for 4th of July BBQ's. I like thinking that when someone new moves in you bring a plate of cookies because you want to get to know them.

This is why it pains me to have to write this letter.

This morning as I lay in my bed at 6:45 am, I was in a half awakened state. This is my favorite part of the morning. Laying there and realizing that I can turn over, tuck my down comforter up under my chin, search my right foot around for a cool spot in bed and fall back to sleep for half an hour.

Then, your thoughtlessness interrupted my revere.

You started to mow your lawn.

In the etiquette of neighborly-ness (on which I'm sure Emily Post is currently working) it is commonly known that you don't start mowing your lawn at a time when you will be waking up the entire neighborhood.

You and the guy who is re-roofing his house (at 7 am) need to get together and make a pact about this.

Thanks so much for your understanding. I hope this won't damage our relationship, but if you continue I'm going to have to start letting my roommate's dog poo on your lawn.

Fair is fair.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear Rockies,

Saturday night I braved the traffic down the Denver with a bunch of friends to watch you play a game against the Dodgers. But, I have to be honest with you because that is what real friends do, I've never really liked baseball. The game is slower than basketball, usually doesn't have the eye candy like football or soccer, and for some reason I always end up with my ankles splashed by someone else's warm beer.

Nevertheless, this outing was my idea and my sacrifice because the ear doctor loves the Dodgers. I thought, because your reputation for less than stellar baseball prowess, that the ear doctor would have a great time seeing his team demolish the competition.

Imagine my surprise when, after hiking the equivalent of Mt. Everest and finding found our seats in the very top of the stadium, in the first inning you had already pulled ahead of your adversaries!

Additionally, I had a personal sports-related first. In between my first course of foot-long hotdog and giant diet coke and second course of twisted cinnamon sugar covered pretzel I saw one of the players break the bat! And, even though my friend Super-Softball-Chick (SSC) derided me for it, I experienced childlike fascination with the long, pointy shard of wood that came flying out almost to the first baseman.

Usually I get very bored with the game by the beginning of the 6th inning, but the game you provided this Saturday managed to keep my interest. You must have been giving the game your best effort (because I was there?) because you were leading the Dodgers the whole game. Although this was frustrating for the ear doctor I found it very interesting.

We walked around the stadium to find some better seats and got to watch the game from every vantage. In the end we returned to our seats in the nosebleeds to meet up with the rest of the group. When we got back the ground at our seats was soaking wet with beer. In the time that we'd left to walk around someone has spilled theirs and I missed getting splashed! How great is that.

In the end of the game there was a very tense moment where there was a full count and 2 outs and the pitcher walked one of the players. I really appreciate you keeping the suspense up and letting me feel that I got my money's worth out of my $9 ticket. Very considerate of you.

All in all, I had a wonderful outing and I really appreciate all your hard work.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear random guy at work,

Alright, I get it. You are more than just a nerdy engineer. You have risen above the countless weekend hours you spent during middle school playing D&D and are now hip, trendy, and have roped in that elusive quality...."coolness."

But please, for all that his holy on God's green earth, STOP TRYING TO PROVE IT BY WHISTLING.

I know you go out to small clubs all around Denver to listen to new undiscovered bands and have the best taste in music. However, why do you feel the need to put those air traffic controller headphones on and whistle along to the burnt copies of the band's CD that the drummer handed you last night after the show?!?!?

Do you realize that the whistling is monotone and pounds in my ears with the unrelenting force of a rabid rebel force?!?!?

And on a Friday afternoon?

Just thought you might like to know how I feel.

Sincerely,

Katie

Dear United Airlines,

I'm writing you to express my joy at discovering a new service that you provide. Thank you so much for sending out an automated message to everyone on a flight that you cancel and rebook. In the future, I see this as a potentially very useful feature. Also, while I hope it never happens to me, if my flight does get cancelled it would be very nice of you to let me know before I brave the Denver traffic to get out to the airport.

However, when you called my cell phone at 6 am this morning to tell me that Ron and Renee Schnider's flight to Chicago had been cancelled and their flights rebooked onto a later flight I was a little bit annoyed.

Last night was the hottest night yet in my airconditioning free bedroom. Coupled with the heat, every muscle in my upper body was SCREAMING from my first day of 2006 summer water skiing. The result? I didn't fall asleep until about 3:30 am when it finally cooled down enough in my room that the glass of water on my nightstand stopped boiling. Imagine my delight to be awoken by the ringing of my phone at 6. Also, because I didn't answer it and just let it go to voicemail (foolishly thinking I could just fall back to sleep) I didn't know who it was.

Suddenly, the words of a nagging voice in the back of my head crystallized.

Who would be calling me so early on a Thursday morning? It must be my mom. It must be an emergency. Oh no, my Uncle, who has been suffering with brain cancer for 12 years, has slipped into critical condition. Now I'm going to have to get a plane ticket up to Seattle. I wonder if the airlines reserve seats at cheaper prices for just such emergencies. Can I afford to even go? Can I afford not to go?

Then, on an adrenaline rush I reached over and picked up the phone. Imagine my elation at hearing the metallic voice of a computer telling me that someone else's flight was cancelled. Someone else who gets to leave work and go on a trip. A vacation. A get away.

In summary, I just want to send my congratulations to your company for offering such a helpful service. I hope in the future this type of thing comes in handy for me and saves me a headache. However, it is clear that there are still a few kinks to work out of the system.

I hope my input has been helpful.

Sincerely,

Katie