Dear cat burglers,

Don't even think about trying to break into our house. The ear doctor has the place on lock down and is anticipating your every move:

I know a lot of you wives out there may not be supportive of letting your man protect the home with a fully automatic weapon, but I can't tell you how much better I've been sleeping at night knowing that he can totally unload on any creep who attempts to cross our threshold uninvited.

And don't you worry, we know all about gun safety. We never keep it loaded, and it's always out of the reach of the younger members of our family.

One false move and these bozos'll get pumped full of nerf!