Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Internal gangrene

This morning I was thinking about my friend.

We'll call him Coop for anonymity.

Coop is awesome. Lately I've been kind of ignoring him and while I was blowing my hair dry, a thought crossed my mind. I wonder if Coop is annoyed/mad at me for not calling or speaking to him in probably 2 months?

Immediately I put that thought out of my head because Coop is the kind of person who never gets hurt. He can let anything go. In the past 4 years I've known him I don't think I've ever seen him let someone else's carelessness or thoughtlessness get to him. The result is that he is always happy, low key, and SO much fun to be around.

It got me thinking.....

Why are some people just able to let everything go and other let things fester?

The polar opposite to Coop would be me, during college. I made a friend there who had a profound effect on me which still lingers this day.

When I first met her I found her was hilarious. She had a sarcastic side that just cracked me up.

Over the three years that I knew her there were a few times where she was scathingly mad at me. Even after I apologized profusely, and she said it was ok, it just wasn't. I was unable to sincerely ask for forgiveness. Because she felt the insincerity in my request, it was hard for her to acquiesce. There would always be a lingering coldness between us.

As a result of this tension that I created, I was not a very happy person. I felt like all of my friends were mean, selfish, and cruel. I was ready to launch into a full fledged fight with someone over nothing because I wasn't over the harsh feelings I had from the last argument. Everything built on the past misunderstandings. The festering grew exponentially because I never gave it a chance to air out. When I graduated I realized that it really wasn't the fault of everyone else, it was mine.

Over the past 2 years I've made significant effort to move closer to Coop. The result is that I am happier and a way better friend. Now I see that I can never spend my life with someone who is unable to truly forgive and forget my mistakes. I will undoubtedly mess up. I'm not perfect and it is inevitable.

PS I am truly sorry to anyone whose feelings I hurt in writing this post. My intention was to demonstrate my personal progress and goals, not defame anyone on the internet. Just as I see the growth in myself, I realize that others grow and change. I am happy to recognize that change in anyone.


Anonymous said...

Wow ... amazing how our peers influence us.

~ Jef

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Katie,

I am a writer and am always scouting around for interesting material, and I sort of peruse the blogs now and again. Very few ever keep me engaged for more than perhaps a paragragh or two; however, your blog, I have found myself popping in now and again to read your posts. Now, besides being a writer (of books, articles and such) I am also likely, twice your age. I mention this because I want to you keep my comments in that perspective. Now then, let me just say your post regarding your roomate I thought was very wise. There is a significant portion of humanity out there that could learn from your simple parable. Anyway, please keep writing. Good writing should first, entertain, then second, perhaps instruct, yours does a fine job of doing the first.

Elle said...

The anon put it perfect! I couldn't agree with her more! Your blog is one of my top "must read" favs!!!

Becky said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It makes me look internally at myself and the relationships I cultivate with others. It both shames me and gives me hope. :)

girl from florida said...

very articulate and well-spoken, Katie. I think this is a situation many of us have gone through, and it's so hard to just let it go and not forever scar all your friendships. And I agree with both anon and elle! :)

Katie said...

I hate it when people read what I am writing about MYSELF and they just don't get it.

Please re-read this post again. I haven't said anyone was selfish, cruel, mean, or negative besides MYSELF.

I never equated being sarcastic with any of those traits.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear when I originally wrote it, but I feel like I have made a real effort to correct this mistake.

If you are still confused and bothered by it you don't have to come back to my website.