Yesterday

So there are times in life that I wish I had a video recorder taping what was happening. That way I could rewind the tape and get an outsiders view of what happened. Maybe then I would be able to understand what was going on.

Last night I went over to my best friends house. I got a CD of photos and I wanted to use his computer to check them out. Anyway, when I got there he informed me that he was deciding whether or not to bail on the rest of the summer semester and go be a camp leader for this bike trip camp in Massachusets. The only catch was that he would have to be out there this weekend. Plus, his brother is getting married in Utah on Saturday, so his plan would be to leave here on Thursday (2 days from now) and then just fly out to Boston right after the wedding.

My honest frist reaction to this news was to be thrilled for him. It is a once in a lifetime chance for him to go out there and do things that he absolutely loves. He'll get to see a new part of the country (one I've always wanted to visit) and meet some really good people. Plus, he would have a significant amount of responsibility, which I think would be good for him.

My second reaction was dread. I'm not having the best of time here in Colorado right now and he is my very best friend. How am I going to deal with a job I'm not satisfied by, a social life that is reduced to hanging out with serious couples, no real potential to meet anyone new and intriguing, and a calling that is the bane of my existance withouth him? Who will I make jokes with? Who will I watch movies with until late at night? Who will I build rockets with and then not launch them off? Who will go to Costco with me to eat samples? Who will contiuously make me want to exercise more? Who will challenge me to learn more about who I am?

After talking with my roommate, who has a suprising amount of wisdom, I begin to see that this is the best thing that could happen for everyone involved. The break up process requires time apart. I should know that after dealing with my last serious boyfriend. I had to leave the state to fully get over him. 2 months apart will be good. When he comes back we can just talk and have fun becuase we will both be past the hurt.

After finding out that he was planning on leaving Colorado, I brought up how much I'd been hurt recently by his "activity" with this other girl. I told him what I thought and how I felt. For the first time since he dumped me I honestly felt like he was sorry for hurting me. And that he missed me. The only thing anyone wants to hear after they have been dumped is not that the other person wants to get back together, but that the other person regrets their choice. The acknowledgement that if the other person could change the past they would. This is what I got from him last night. I thought it would make me feel better than it did. The past is over. There is nothing I can do about it now, except learn.