Tuesday, November 30, 2004
I'm in charge of organizing weekly activities for all the college aged kids at my church. Every Monday we get together for FHE (family home evening) and I have to come up with things to do. I was just asked for a three month schedule of things to do and I am totally out of ideas. Do any of you have good ideas for a group of 20-30 college aged kids to do? Stuff that doesn't cost much? Service activities? Anything?
Every other drive back to Boulder has left me in tears. I'd always been sad to leave my vacation and return to Colorado where all that awaited me was my job, my problems, my real life.
This time there were no tears. I was happy to be coming back to my little townhouse in good ole Boulder.
Probably because my vacation was so dramatic and draining.
My little sister got engaged on Tuesday night. It was really cute and so fun to see just how happy this guy makes her. I'm really happy for her and I know that everything will work out just right. Wednesday she picked out her dress and my mom bought it for her. She is going to look like a princess. They decided to get married July 2 and I'll be the maid of honor. I'm SO excited.
Thursday my mom and I cooked dinner for 25 people. It was grueling. No one offered to help us, which just SHOCKED me. Honestly, who just sits around waiting for their feast to be prepared for them and does nothing. After dinner my legs were throbbing with fatigue and I didn't even pretend to help do the dishes.
I got third place in my family's annual Spoons tournament. I was pissed because the top two get their name on the plaque and I missed that this year. Next year vengeance will be mine.
Friday we put up all the Christmas decorations. I did the tree with the assistance of 5 little girls all under the age of 5. Talk about draining. Have you ever tried to keep track of that many little girls in combination with your mother's prized glass Christmas ornaments? At one point my little niece broke one of my mom's angles and together we went to go admit it and say we were sorry. In my small way I was trying to show her that you need to be accountable if you break someone else's stuff. I've had some roommates who never really understood this lesson as my mangled measuring spoons, missing kitchenaid collar and broken flower vase can attest.
Saturday I went to a baby shower and a wedding reception. As I sat around and looked at all the people at the wedding that I've known from high school I just laughed at myself. I wondered why these people ever intimidated me in high school. Its funny how time and a lot more self confidence give you a clearer image of reality.
Sunday I went to church with the congregation that I grew up in. It was scary to see all the kids I babysitted being juniors and seniors in high school. Made me feel old, but accomplished.
Monday my best friend in the whole world gave me a hair cut. I love seeing her because she reminds me of how much I am loved.
Last night I flew back and the ear doctor picked me up at the airport. The moment I saw him waiting for me at the airport my heart leap. He has the ability to make me smile no matter what. When we got to his car he had a little poinsettia and 4 burned CDs of Christmas music sitting for me on the front seat. He took me to PF Changs for dinner, I got a Christmas tree scented candle from white barn candle co (GET ONE, IT SMELLS JUST LIKE A TREE) and tried on beanies and BC surf. After dinner we came home and he helped me decorate my house for Christmas. It looks so good and I am now totally in the swing of Christmas. I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I'm flying home to Washington tonight to be with my family for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving in my family is spend with my dad's side. They are crazy and strange and I love them so much.
This Thanksgiving will be hard for me.
Last May my dearest, sweetest, most inspiring Aunt Sandy died of colon cancer. Even as I type that sentence my heart constricts, the room seems to darken around me and tears start to form in the corners of my eyes. She was an amazing woman who always challenged me to be better and to learn more. It was her promptings that impelled me to consider grad school. It was her funny sense of humor that could always make me laugh. It was her courage to fight for 10 years with one of the most painful and debilitating forms of cancer that will always help me be strong. She is an example to me of true strength of character.
Anyway, Thanksgiving was always spent with her family.
The day after Thanksgiving my family has appelled "Tree day." My sister and my aunt would spend the whole day making the most amazing gingerbread houses which would be on prominent display in our home the whole festive season.
I don't know how things will go without her. I hope I'll be able to get through it without breaking down in tears more than once, but the chances of that are slim.
I didn't get to go to her funeral. She died right before I went on a big trip I'd been planning for over a year. At the time I had a huge debate about whether to cancel on the trip or not, but she'd lived her life despite the horrible circumstances, and I'm sure she is proud of the fact that I didn't put my life on hold.
Still, it means that I'm the only one in my family that never really got closure on the whole thing.
I heard a few weeks ago that true courage is when you know you're licked, and you go through with it anyway. That could pretty much sum up my aunt's life. I love her and miss her so much, but I realize she's in a better place.
I don't know if I'll be posting anything until next Tuesday.
Sorry this was kind of a downer, but it's what I'm thinking about this morning.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
As I was washing my hands (for about the millionth time today) I noticed something odd about my appearance. Innocently I glanced up at my reflection, and there it was.
Glistening on the top of my head just to the left of my part a little, innoculous "blonde" hair decided to manifest itself.
In disbelief, I did a melodramatically inspired, over emphasized double take. "Can this be true?" Using both hands, I plastered my hair to the top of my head with the idea that maybe it was just the way the fluorescent lighting was glinting off my otherwise brilliant red locks.
Much to my chagrin, the truth was self-evident.
I've begun to go gray at 23. What a terrifying thought.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
First I went to Common Era. This is a store on Pearl street that Sarah and I lovingly refer to as "our store." I just couldn't seem to find anything that would work for me.
I took off and headed a little farther down the street, to Abercrombie.
Again, nothing there that said sleek, sophisticated, ready to be given a raise because the wearer of this garment is a surprisingly capable (and still incredibly trendy) engineer.
I left the store feeling dejected. As though the entire fashion industry had cast me off and left me out in the cold like the little match girl.
Then, to my right a beacon of hope caught my eye.
Oh sweet banana republic, where the sweaters are so soft and the pants hit just right.
I entered the store on a cloud of pure euphoria. It seemed as though I was carried around the store on a pink cloud of delight. Everywhere I looked there were beautiful things leaping out at me, craving to become members of my every multiplying wardrobe.
After minutes of luxurious rapture in the dressing room I was brought to a standstill.
I realized that Christmas is coming, and while the goose may be getting fat, my bank account is not. It always seems that the whole year long I have total freedom to spend my money like a maniac, but when the festive season comes around those disposable funds seems to dry up. Perhaps they go into hibernation, or fly south to escape the cold, but either way they seem to be non-existent just when I need them most.
Anyway, in a brilliant stroke of self-control I managed to leave the store empty handed, but with an odd sense of peace. I knew that I wasn't the ostracized fashion victim, but a conscious objector to the whole scene.
That knowledge made me smile as I walked back past Abercrombie and the Common Era because, well, I knew.
And knowing is half the battle.
Monday, November 15, 2004
My office is on the fifth floor and I have a huge window that looks out onto the beautiful Coloradoan mountains. Every day I find myself lost for a little bit just looking out and being riveted by the sight that meets my eyes. Although I find the strength and majesty of the mountains inspiring, it is often the people passing down below that capture my attention.
From the warmth and comfort of my little office chair I can silently pass judgment on the people that innocently walk across the campus below me.
The most interesting thing I saw today was the back of one of my fellow employees. Cascading down his back was a full and luxurious coif of wavy brown hair. He had the most impressive pony tail I've seen in a long time. Juxtaposed against the worn, black, decade old leather jacket, the radiance of his hair was overwhelming. Honestly, I wonder how he got it so shiny. I wanted to throw open my window, call down to him, and say, "yo, buddy, what kind of conditioner do you use?"
Instead I sit here engrossed and captivated by the beautiful refracted beams of light that, after leaving the sun and bouncing off his fascinating follicles, is appreciatively received by my retnas.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Last night after a rousing game of dodgeball and rootbeer floats, I went over to the ear doctor's house. He wanted to go out and do something, so we went to see Ray.
It was a good movie.
I jumped a few time and was pretty uncomfortable at some points, but on the whole I think it was a pretty rad movie.
The ear doctor said he was going to buy the soundtrack and I was glad because then I can burn it. Excellent.
During the movie we kissed a little bit. Only one other time in my life have I made out at the movies. I was young and it was something that *everyone* was doing, so what the heck. The cute thing is that I don't think the ear doctor had ever made out with someone at a movie. So, against my better judgment and usual hesitation to so openly display affection in such a cliche manner, I acquiesced. Everyone should be able to say that they've done that at least once in their life, right? Or am I ultra tacky?
Whatever the verdict, it was fun and at one point I looked over at him and my stomach started to tumble and twist into knots. Yea!
That movie was really long, and then we stayed up and talked. As a consequence I didn't get to bed until 3 am.
Work is really hard on 4 hours of sleep. Luckily I have more to people to entertain me that this cool girl, but it's still rough.
Monday, November 08, 2004
I'm really excited about it because he is one of the most impressive people I've ever met.
But, the thing is, I'm not totally head over heels. All my other relationships have started with a huge bang of drama. In the past they've made me so distracted I can't remember what I'm doing and every moment seems to be filled with thoughts of what I can do for him.
It's not that way with him.
Things are comfortable and normal and I have no fear about him wigging out on me about something.
I really like it. It's nice to feel like I'm still in control of myself. Sure, it may not be the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me, but it just feels natural.
Do you think that's a bad thing for a relationship?
Friday, November 05, 2004
I thought it was an interesting topic, so I'm going to expound.
I don't know what it has been about my upbringing/personality that has made me think that I can't be girly, but I feel a little embarrassed about it sometimes.
When I tell people that I love to go shopping and that a cute pair of shoes can thrill my heart I feel like people automatically categorize me as an airhead who has no concern for real issues. I feel like all my effort to be a serious contributor to society is devalued and relegated to froofyland where everything is pink and sparkly.
The interesting thing is that this doesn't seem to happen for men. Well, not that any men really get weak in the knees over the new pair of white Ugg boots at Nordstroms, but they have their weaknesses too.
For instance, that guy in my office whose life revolves around sports is not considered a meat head who only thinks about which defensive lineman broke the line and pummled the crap out of his rival team's QB this weekend. He is considered a mans man, strong, confident, in control. The fact of the matter is that he still thinks about and gets excited over something wholly out of his realm of reality or influence.
Like me and those freakin white Ugg boots.
On a related note, this shame of being girly stretches into my relationships. When the ear doctor says something really nice to me, I get all excited about it, and sometimes I get a little embarrassed by my own reaction. For some reason I feel like I'm not entitled to my own true and honest feelings because they are dorky and ultra-feminine.
I know I should work on this and just be proud to feel how I feel and be who I am, but you try spending all day surrounded by insensitive 50 year old men who expect me to not take offense from personally derogatory statements. Then come talk to me about staying vulnerable and true to my inner girly side.
I wonder if this is the way most women feel in the workplace. Is there a widespread feeling that women need to be like men and eliminate all characteristics which are inherently feminine? I've often heard that what makes a great collaborative environment is a lot of people coming together from all different backgrounds and vantages. In fact, at work here we are required to have cross-disciplinary reviews of every design with the understanding that looking at a similar problem from different perspectives will generate a better solution. Doesn't it make sense that eliminating a female perspective in the work place could be detrimental to the development of a company? And why is a dominant male looked at as a good leader, while a dominant female is considered bitchy?
Thursday, November 04, 2004
2. I'm 5' 8"
3. and born in July
4. I used to like the Spice Girls. Still kinda do. (When 2 become 1….)
5. My hair is naturally curly, but I flat iron the crap out of it.
6. I obsessively Q-tip my ears now that I’m seeing an ear doctor.
7. I'm not really into shoes like most girls.
8. I love Jimmy Buffet and will do the Margarita dance on command.
9. I love almost every type of music: R & B, rap, rock, jazz and country- all depending on my mood.
10. I've never been pregnant but can't wait to have children!
11. I get really comsumed by the beginning of any relationship…romantic or otherwise.
12. I’ve played by the Rules with all my boyfriends.
13. I've always been broken up with.
14. And I have been cheated on by an ex…well, I don’t know if it was cheating because we were on a break.
15. My favorite ice cream is sweet cream with fresh strawberries (Coldstone) or Cherry garcia (grocery store)
16. I LOVE Dominoes thick crust pizza.
17. I hate the smell of beer.
18. I love milk and drink a gallon every other day. Interesting sidenote: my sister who is a food scientist told me yesterday that a high calcium diet can help you loose weight. Maybe that’s how I keep from ballooning without any exercise. .
19. It's really important to me to have my feet freshly pedicured & painted.
20. I love old holey jeans. And pigtails (I actually call them nubbins…2 messy knots of hair on either side of my head)
21. Played violin since I was 5.
22. Tried out for cheerleading in 9th grade and didn't make it.
23. Was voted “Most likely to become a Scientist” in 8th grade…and I was proud of it.
24. I dated two boys at the same time. One knew about it, the other didn’t. I confused them once.
25. Love, love, love artichokes. Steamed, baked, grilled, fried, stuffed.
26. I went to a private, Mormon College.
27. My first kiss was when I was in 7th grade. I walked home from school with him from school and planted one on him on his front step.
28. I gained my Freshman 15 and then lost 10 lbs of it- and kept the rest.
29. I like my extra weight.
30. I would much rather curl up and read a good book than go out. (ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!)31. I drink 2-3 Pepsis in the afternoon.
32. My stupid pants feel really tight right now. Totally ruins my day.
33. I made almost got a 4.0 my last semester of college, but my senior design project was graded completely unfairly and ruined my only chance for that in college.
34. I love the computer game Minesweeper. I have the best scores of anyone I’ve met at this company.
35. Political blogs bore me.
36. It totally bugs me when people interrupt me.
37. My friendships are incredibly important to me. I would do almost anything for my friends.
38. I love to hear gossip.
39. My husband is my best friend. I tell him almost everything and love talking to him. (<-I want that someday)
40. My little sister is getting married in July and I worry about her all the time.
41. I’m always borderline anemic when I try to donate blood.
42. I once saw a kid in my latin class have a really severe asthma attack and it FREAKED me out.
43. I fell out of a tree when I was in elementary school and missed hitting my head on a huge boulder by inches. I had to wear a neck brace to school.
44. God kept me here for a reason.
45. From then on, I felt different from my classmates and everyone else.
46. I volunteer every Saturday at an old folks home because I feel like I need to help out whenever I can.
47. I usually feel like a huge geek when I’m in public.
48. I have the greatest dad on the planet...one time this girl said that the guy I marry is going to be lucky not because I am so great, but because my dad is so cool.
49. My mom is funny and smart and can do everything.
50. My brother is a CPA and loves internet poker.
51. My dream job: ride designer for Disney.
52. Going to Spain next spring for an engineering reunion—v. excited!
53. Christmastime makes me insanely happy and excited. (I am OUT OF CONTROL)
54. I love presents and surprises.
55. I want to do New Years in times square once before I die.
56. I hate being sweaty.
57. I hate stupid people.
58. Stay-at-home mom is my ideal "job"- but I'm worried I would get bored. Or fat.
59. The world of engineering is confusing and scary- and not very inviting to a girl.
60. I once had a crush on a married guy. Gross, I know.
61. I have a broken toe which has healed into a bone spur from soccer. It makes my foot look weird and hurts when I wear a specific height of high heels.
62. I think I am getting too old to call my peers "boys."
63. I have cellulite. Gross.
64. I can play the guitar.
65. My ears have been pierced since I was 7, but I hardly ever wear earrings.
66. My biggest pet peeve: people who don’t challenge me to be better.
67. Because of this, I am probably challenge my friends too much.
68. It's really hard for me to lie. I feel incredibly guilty about it and confess immediately.
69. I once had a roommate at school who didn’t know was
69. She was weird.
70. Some people I know don’t even french kiss because they think that’s “sinfull”
71. I eat more fast food that any of my friends and do it in secret so they won’t know.
72. I love Pepsi with sugar, but Diet Coke and a lime without.
73. I crave Karft Macaroni & Cheese.
74. My favorite flowers: tulips (in the garden), stargazer lillies and Japanese iris in arrangments.
75. I read the onion every week.
76. My mom constantly talks about her dog. I think it’s really funny.
77. I wish I had an orange kitten.
78. I've known my best friend for 7 years. That's longer than a lot of marriages last these days.
79. I was gifted. (am still gifted, I suppose)
80. I am really, really easily bored. By other people, my classes, work, blogs, books, etc.
81. But I am also really easily pleased. A surprise phone call from my family, a sweet note from a friend, a treat* and I'm smiling the rest of the day.
82. I am happy probably 90% of the time. Many people tell me this is abnormal.
83. I don’t want to buy a house because that means that I’m a grown up and don’t have the freedom to just change and do whatever I want.
84. My sister’s potential father-in-law thinks its alright to share and ice cream cone with his dog. Nast
85. I think the phrase “lived in sin” is kind of weird.
86. I just stole free lunch again.
87. I am waiting until I am married for sex.
88. It feels really silly being the youngest person in my lab and being everyone else's manager.
89. I am worried I will not actually make it back to school to get a second degree.
90. One summer I lived with a bunch of Chinese girls and I was always paranoid that they were talking about me.
91. Europe is my dream vacation. I can't wait to go.
92. One of my roommates at school and I had a falling out and we never talk anymore
93. It’s alright because she was always really negative and didn’t build me up at all.
94. I went to prom twice, first time with someone I really liked, second with a friend…it was more fun with the friend.
95. I just decided that I really like stuffing.
96. Boxes and Boxes of Hot Tamales. Enough said.
97. Funny Bridget Jones type of books are my absolute favorite genre.
98. I get a lot of compliments on my hair, but still always critique it.
99. I love co-hosting parties.
100. I graduated from BYU.
Just so you have some kind of perspective, my old office was small, cramped, cold, had a door to the electrical maintenance room of the building (so techs would constantly have to walk through my room to get back there if something broke) without a window.
My new office is large, quiet, nestled in the corner of the fifth floor, has two large beautiful windows that look out onto one of the prettiest mountain ranges in the state. I call it my penthouse suite.
The only slightly negative thing is that I went from my own office to sharing it, but from the looks of things my new office mate is one of those people who drift around all day, so it should all work out.
Plus, as an office warming gift he brought flowers. SO nice!
Yesterday I worked until 7:30, then ran over for my institute class. The class was great and I recommitted to being nice to everyone, even if I think they're weird.
Class got out at 9 and I was EXHAUSTED and hungry, but the I knew the ear doctor was just across campus at a swing club dance, so I went.
When he saw me walk in his reaction was priceless. He just beamed as I walked toward him, and I'm sure the look on my face didn't hide my excitement to see him. I told him that I hadn't come to dance, because I was so tired and wearing the wrong shoes, but I just wanted to see him.
We were just standing there on the side of the dance floor talking and this girl came up behind him, put her arms around his neck and said, "excuse me, but do you want to dance."
I was like, "hello, skank, can't you see that we're talking here and we are both REALLY into the conversation" but he just turned to her and politely said, "Do you mind if I come and find you later and dance because I'm having a conversation right now." He actually look her arms from around his neck and gave them back to her. I would have been totally embarrassed if I were her.
Well, I stuck around and talked and danced to one song and then I decided I had to leave. He got is coat and walked me out to my car (what a nice guy). We hung out in the cold parking lot for an hour laughing and talking.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
I mean, if I found out that he had a blog and he told the whole world what was going on in our relationship I might be a little taken aback.
Actually, I'd be really interested to hear what his honest first impression of me was.
Last night he came over and we watched the election for a while. I really have no idea what his political views are. I asked him who he voted for and he wouldn't tell me.
I was kind of surprised.
He said it was because he didn't really support either candidate and was kind of mad that he had to vote for either of them.
My take on the election is this:
I don't feel like I can fully sustain any of the candidates that were running. The way I see it, voting for someone is saying, "yes, that is a person who I can follow and support his choices." I just couldn't bring myself to choose the lesser of two evils. Yell at me if you want. Get mad and tell me that I wasted my chance to voice my opinion. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I feel like I seriously weighed the issues and acted accordingly.
After watching Peter Jennings hit on one of the newscasters, make fun of an intern who forgot his notes at his desk and pretend that George Wills didn't have the worst toupee in the history of time, we decided to turn the TV off and just talk....Until 1 am.
My favorite thing about him so far is how comfortable I feel around him. Last night I fell asleep in his arms and it felt so safe. (I can't believe I just typed that sentence because it is SOOOO girly). He is big and cuddly and it reminds me of every Sunday when I would fall asleep laying on my dad with his arm around me at church.
Last night when he got home he emailed me and told me how much he likes spending time with me and wants to get to know me better and just a ton of really nice stuff. Plus, he said I was hot, which is always nice to hear. Especially as I sit here simultaneously thinking of that and realizing that the waistband of my pants is cruelly shrinking because it is jealous of all the attention I've been paying to the leftover Halloween candy. (shout out Girl from Florida)
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Good things about the beginning of a relationship:
- Realizing that someone out there is just as weird as you are.
- Laughing at absolutely nothing just because the other person makes you feel like laughing.
- Staying up WAY too late just because you want to be around the other person.
- Having your friends catch him watch you across the room and then shamelessly reporting it back to you.
- Getting to tell all your stories to an avid audience.
- Realizing that regardless of his plans, he probably wants to break them to hang out with you.
- Realizing that you don't want him to break his plans, but being happy knowing that he would.
Bad things about the beginning of a relationship:
- Realizing there is someone out there just as weird as you are.
- You are always tired because you didn't get enough sleep the night before.
- All motivation to go to work and get productive things done is sapped.
- Having to deal with the realization that you are a psycho out of control maniac when it comes to text messaging.
(If you can read between the lines of this post you'll be able to uncover the fact that the ear doctor and I are starting to get things rolling. He's such a funny kid and makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt)
Monday, November 01, 2004
They were so cute.
Little kids too small to walk were dressed up as ladybugs and unicorns. One was a little monkey with a big yellow banana attached to it.
Anyway, 7 of us went and just hung out, watched the kids go by and laughed. It was:
- Amy and Brett (engaged and getting married in two weeks)
- Jocelyn and Kristian (they've been dating for almost 2 years now)
- Sarah and Colin (dating over a year)
- Me and the ear doctor (??? on status)
I didn't really notice the whole couples/paring off thing until Greg said, "Jeez, I've gotta get a girl or go home, I guess."
I've been the odd man out for so long that Greg's comment really shocked me.
This weekend was pretty eventful , I guess.
Friday night I gave my keys to my friend because I didn't have pockets or a purse in my costume. She left the party with my keys, so I had to call upon the chivalry of the ear doctor to get a ride home. Needless to say, I wasn't really all that mad about the situation. The ear doctor dropped me off and ended up hanging out with me until 6:30 am...Just talking. Pretty impressive, I think. That's the latest anyone has EVER kept me awake by just talking.
Anyway, Saturday was Amy's bridal shower at 10:30. Like a moron, I hadn't planned ahead and had to hit the mall at 10 to get a gift. I made a bee line for Victoria's Secret. Sarah called me while in the store and admitted that she, like myself, hadn't thought to get a present. I offered to go halves and put her name on the card. I picked out a very delightfully tacky black g-string with 4 inch long fringe all the way around. I slammed everything into the box (thank heavens for VS gift boxes) and floored it to the restaurant.
The food was killer, and Sarah and I were getting excited to see Amy's face when she opened our gift.
Then, the fury of gift wrap began.
The first gift was a nice set of dish towels and a glass pitcher from Crate & Barrel. The next gift was a serving bowl from Pottery Barn. More and more boring domestic gifts were being unwrapped and stacked in a nice little conservative pile. Sarah and I started glancing back and forth fully realizing that this shower was not the "g-string and frindge" type.
When Amy opened our gift everyone was shocked. There was a pause before everyone erupted into raucous laughter. I guess every shower needs some immature singletons to spice it up.
Last night I hung out with the ear doctor again. We cuddled and held hands and talked about what was going on. I'd been nervous about his feelings and I'm not really willing to start something up that will just get me all messed up and heartbroken again. I told him that I was a little nervous about everything. I got to worrying that everything was just too easy and I was concerned that maybe he was just going along with things because it was nice to be liked. I was nervous that maybe he liked having a girl be interested in him, but not necessarily me. Maybe this is a tinge of insecurity, but whatever. He said that yes, the beginnings of this whatever it is has been easy for him, but that is what is so great about it. That made me all happy and flattered and just confident in the knowledge that he isn't feigning interest or just idly passing the time with me.