Monday, May 05, 2008

Dear Bear Grylls,

We need to have a chat.

Since I married the ear doctor he has been expanding my TV watching horizons. Never before would I have considered watching your show, but, actually, it's pretty entertaining.

Your exploits in the wild are fairly interesting. Once I saw you throw your body down a glacial crevasse and free climb out if it...absolutely insane, but good TV. And another time I watched a special about you strapping a big fan to your back and paragliding around Mt. Everest....NUTS.

Last night we watched your newest episode, your experiences in Zambia. First you were dropped off and rode a boogie board down the Zambeze river, which is one of the most hardcore set of rapids in the world (I think). Then you scrambled out of the river and found some one's old flipflop which you later used as a float for fishing and to make black smoke to signal your chopper I thought you were pretty resourceful. Next, I watched you filter water of the Zambeze river with the pocket of your "rucksack" that was pretty neat.

However, I'm going to have to draw the line at a few things that happened last night. First, you ate the meat off a dead and decaying antelope carcass. Gross. Second, even after your "feast" on rotting carrion, you were still hungry. You decided to listen to old dead logs to hear if there were any larvae moving around inside. Much to my chagrin, you heard something promising. You broke the log open and found the biggest, fattest, grossest old grub I've ever seen. Seriously, it was about 2 inches around and 8 inches long. SICK.

As you held it up to the camera to show it I started screaming at my TV, "DON'T EAT THAT SUCKER! DON'T DO IT BEAR! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"

But did you listen to me? No, you did not.

You took a huge nasty bite and the guts of the thing exploded out toward the camera.

I started retching so bad that I almost vomited up all the lovely guacamole the ear doctor and I made for our party tonight.

I was sickened like I haven't been in a long, long time. Especially since the ear doctor insisted on rewinding and replaying it over and over again all night.

So, what I'm saying is that I'm drawing a line. A line in the sand. If you continue to do horribly gross stuff like that I'm not going to watch your show. It's me or the grubs. Make your choice.

With warmest regards,



poodle said...

my sister rafted down the zambeze river once! so cool.

Heather said...

Actually grubs are really gross, but pretty healthy. With that said I would never eat one unless I was in a life and death situation. My entomology prof. used to sautee grubs for his class and claimed they would eat them all up. Luckily he didn't do it for our class.
I did however read a super interesting book all about eating bugs. It almost convinced me it would be a good idea.

CageQueen said...

Ugh, it was pretty gross when he ate the grub. I saw one last week where he was really dehydrated and it was causing him to have violent diarhea and yup, you guessed it, he took a poop on the TV! I switched channels after that. I love him, too, but I've got my limits!

abbey said...

My family and I did multi-day trip down the Zambezi and one of our guides was showing us the different bugs you could eat. It was completely disgusting. Some of my family partook of them but I refused. Yuck!

Anth said...

Oh I heart Bear Grylls. Even when he does disgusting stuff. But Dh and I make fun of him every time he says cre-VASS.

Katie said...

Really, we make fun of him when he says Gla-see-aye instead of Glacier.