Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Who has the trumpet for my walls of Jericho?

Why didn't my sister get it?

She is fully able to fall head over heels for someone. She can just let go and dive right into what could potentially be total heartache.

When she told me that she'd found the person she wanted to marry after only having known him for 3 months I thought she was crazy. More than that, I was terrified for her because I felt certain that she would get her heart so broken that she wouldn't be able to cope. In my mind, there was no way that she was going to be able to keep a long distance relationship alive for 8 months with a person she only knew for 3 months. It just seemed ludicrous to me.

But you know what, she was fine. She did it with grace and style and just a few little breakdowns. She made the choice to let him have her heart and it all worked out for her.

I just can't do that.

It's not like I've really been seriously hurt before. I don't have excessive amounts of past relationship baggage weighing me down and dragging me along in the dirt. But, I act like I do.

For some reason I just can't stop protecting my heart from getting hurt.

Since the ear doctor bought his plane ticket to come up to my sister's wedding in July, I've been acting like a psycho. I am hyper-sensitive about everything. I constantly analyze where our relationship is going and it is ruining the great thing that the ear doctor and I have built.

My defenses are up so high it is virtually impossible for him to not trigger one of them.

At least I can realize what is going on right? Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step to overcoming it?


Anonymous said...

It's funny how marriage changes your perspective. After you commit to someone all this stuff kind of fades away. The point is finding someone who you have an incredible amount in common and someone who you can talk to and work through problems and someone who has similar life goals. Trust issues are a personal thing that have to be worked out before you can go on with anyone. ~ Jef

Elle said...

I think that is pretty normal for you to feel that way. Even now in my two year relationship, one that talks about marriage all the time, I still get that feeling and thoughts race through my head 90 mph, preparing myself for a heartbreak.

I wish I had the cure for it.

katezmom said...

Remember the scene in .. Not raiders of the lost ark... the one about the grail... anyway, the scene where he steps out into nothing only to find himself supported? I always think that each new step into the unknown is like that. Have some trust that you won't crash a horrible death at the bottom of the endless canyon. You are way worth the effort.

dJake said...

I have no clue how you would actually do this in real life, but it has been proven in white lab rats that once they stop analyzing everything around them, that their life becomes much more fulfilling.

Maggie said...

How do you analyze that in lab rats? DO they tell you? Does something in their brain chemistry change or something? I'm intrigued.

white lab rat said...

djake is right on the money. That's exactly what I've found in my life. I agree with that illustration so much, that I think I'm going to make that my screen name. I wasn't looking for one, but I think I can float with a name that has this kind of origin. Don't analyze your relationship with a person, just live with them.