Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Dating is a funny thing. You spend 3-4 months completely wrapped up in someone else. You investigate their inner workings. You find out everything you can about them from their favorite candy bar to the way they were affected by their parent's diagnosed cancer. You are granted access to the secret parts of their heart where hardly anyone has ever been before. They trust you with everything and you are held accountable for that responsibility.

conversely, you open your soul up to them.

My first real love didn't happen until I was a junior in college. He was amazing. He taught me how to let go of my insecurities. He showed me the benefits of genuinely caring for everyone. He demonstrated through his guileless actions that being nice is really the most important of qualities. I liked who I was around him. I told him things I'd never told anyone before. I loved him. He also broke my heart.

The second person I loved took me by complete surprised. He was young and confused. I totally opened up my soft underbelly to him and, for a time, he was amazing. He was there to help me through my aunt's death. He was there to show me to lighten up and loosen my perpetual serious/planner side. He broke my heart, but ended up teaching me a lot more about myself than I ever thought I could learn.

I find one common thing between these two relationships very interesting.

The relationship I have with them now. I know them both so well, yet I hardly ever have contact with either. I'm friendly with both, but there is no deep connection anymore. It just seems to me so strange to have so much history with someone...To know all their secrets...To have them know all my secrets and to interact like casual acquaintances. It boggles my mind.


lizzy said...

This really is a weird thing. You can be so intimate with someone and then, nothing. Or, like you said, casual acquaintances.

j!ll said...

I agree. So odd. I'd say I've had my heart broken twice by men I cared for very deeply and now I have absolutely NO contact with either of them. It makes me distrust reality. Because in the moment it all feels so very real. Afterwards, it takes on an ephemeral quality -- despite the changes that take place and the lessons learned. It makes me gunshy. I applaud you for jumping in again.