So I'm a retard.
I was just loading new staples into my stapler. The new row was in correctly, and I was attempting to close it all up. Instead of just banging it shut like normal person, I decided to squeeze it shut between my thumb and forefinger.
With a satisfying click it snapped shut, ejecting a strong steel sliver into the meat of my thumb. Waves of pain shooting through my system, vision blurring from pain, I attempt to slowly remove the offending article. With every tiny motion, searing blots of pain race up my arm. I grit my teeth and yanked it out.
Looking like a vampire bite that slightly missed his mark, two perfect beads of red blood appear and stand as evidence against my total inaptitude.
Now I wear a "flesh toned" fabric bandaid around my left thumb as a reminder to myself to be wary of seemingly innocuous office supplies.