On the way into work

I was driving down the street realizing that yet another beautiful Colorado day will be spent in my little office with no window. I was admiring the sun and the cool crisp autumnal air. The new John Mayer song "Daughters" was playing, and even though I am a bit ashamed to admit it, I found myself really enjoying the song. I was singing along to the entirely predictable lyrics when I glanced in my rearview mirror and realized the girl behind me was also singing to the radio. Its so funny to see someone's mouth moving in silent coordination with your own. Made me kind of chuckle.

Last night I went to dinner and a movie with my friend Brittany. She was dating my ex-boyfriend Eric for a month, but he just broke up with her. Listening to her talk about how he acted was so similar to my own experience. She told me things that he had told her about me, and I realized that he really is such a retard.

I took him to the airport yesterday afternoon and asked him why he's been so mean to be lately. He danced around the issue for a while, but finally I got the real reason out of him. I guess more than one of our "close" friends have told him that he needs to be careful around me because I'm still in love with him.

I was shocked.

First because I haven't even really talked to him in a month and second because people who are supposed to be my friends are talking behind my back and clearly think I am some kind of pathetic loser who pines after some 19 year old dummy who doesn't know what he wants. Whatever. I'm so tired of the whole mess. I'm glad I've kind of drifted away from that group of friends over the last couple months.

Anyway, after dinner we saw "Shall we Dance" which was good, but not as good as the Japanese original (which I highly recommend, if you can get your hands on it).

After the movie I went home and did the dishes (they were in a pile in the sink almost reaching to the ceiling), and the ear doctor called me. He was hanging out at this little lake and asked if I want to come. I said sure and went. We walked around the lake and talked. I ended up talking about how hurt the whole situation with Eric has made me and I cried a little. I figure, there's no easing him into being my friend. Might as well let him see what a basketcase I can be while he's still deciding if he's interested. It started to rain so we went and got 7-11 hot chocolate and sat in his truck talking.

It seems like the beginning of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend from school, Derek, who I absolutely adored. Derek liked me a lot more at the beginning than I liked him. I thought he was nice, but I wasn't really interested. I'd flirt with him (because that's what I do), but I never really liked him all that much. He even told me that he loved me before we were even officially together. We always had a joke about how he "wiggled" his way into my heart. The sitch with the ear doctor seems the same.

Yessssss

Today I accomplished a major milestone at work. I had my whole team crammed into my office to look at what I've been working on for weeks. They tried to poke at my design, tried to tear it apart by the seams, tried to find wholes and weaknesses in my design trade, but alas it was to no avail. I triumphed over all with my superb preparation and thorough knowledge of the subject matter. I am an engineering goddess.

The only truly appropriate way to celebrate such a great career achievement day is to go to the mall, spend a ridiculous amount of money on a new outfit and get that white pair of Ugg boots that I've been coveting for low these many weeks.

Alas, much to my chagrin, I have imposed a "No new clothes in October" rule.

I realized that my spending was getting a bit out of control. It was starting to feel like a dependency akin to my recently admitted Pepsi problem.

Too bad I've had 3 Pepsis in the last 4 days. Yikes.

Still, I have less than a week to stick to my goal and I will have done it. Not purchased a single article of clothing in a month. Ski boots don't count because they aren't "clothes" so much as "gear."

FHE was great last night. The caramel apples were a big hit, and I was shocked that so many people had never seen a candied apple before. One girl said it was too pretty to eat and took it home with her (strange, I know).

I didn't get to carve a pumpkin. I gave it away to someone who didn't remember one and who looked like they were feeling left out. Oh, the sacrifices I make.

So I met this girl in my ward about a month ago. She seemed nice, but for some reason she just bugged me. Perhaps it was because she was really pretty, has a good job, and always seems to be happy. Well, I let this little kernel of attitude fester in my soul and I could feel it start to eat away at me. Every time I saw here in her cute new boots and her Seven jeans that look a lot better on her than mine to on me I could feel my heart start to ice over.

Anyway, last night I bit the bullet and went up to talk to her.

Guess what, she's really nice.

I like her a ton.

We talked for a really long time about the trip she just got back from (Australia...No fair).

After the activity I am supposed to stay and clean up, but I was exhausted. She cleaned up all the pumpkin goo, washed the dishes, got someone to take out the trash, and told someone else to vacuum up the seeds off the floor.

I hate it when I'm so clearly shown that I have been retarded and mean. I always think I've grown out of that, but then something happens and I realize I'm just the same as I always was. Well, maybe a little better because at least now I can see what I'm doing and I actually try to get over it.

Why do I have to be such a competitive girl ALL THE TIME!

FHE

So this is the one FHE a year that I know what we're going to do. I do it every year and it is always fun.

BYOP

Bring your own pumpkin.

We sit around and carve them, eat and talk. It is always fun and messy and great.

This time I'm making caramel and candied apples. Really I only wanted to make caramel apples, but Colin told me he'd never had a real candied apple before, so I though I'd try them out. I've never made them before, and since I consider myself an accomplished dessert maker, I feel that I need to add this one to my repitoire. Since hardly anyone prefers candied apples to caramel apples, I'm going to make more caramel ones, but since I've got the time and the energy I thought I'd make both.

I'll let you know how they turn out.

Why my mom's great

Yesterday I got a Halloween box in the mail. Who else is 23, graduated from college and still gets Halloween boxes? Probably no one. That is why my mom is the best. She always thinks of me and knows what I'll like.

Here's the difference between my sister and I:
The box contained a few really cool things including reeces peanut butter cups, kitchen towel with jack-o-lanterns, headband with pumpkins on springs that light up when you wiggle your head, pumpkin spice candle from pottery barn, and an orange and black spatula.

As soon as I opened the shrink wrap she put around it I flipped on the switch and wore the head bobbers all night. I thought they were SO cool. My sister's favorite thing....the spatula. The funny thing is that my mom knew that she'd like the spatula the best and that I'd love the head bobbers.

We can actually take this example and use it as a metaphor for the different stages of life my sister and I are in. She's planning on getting married next summer, becoming an adult with a husband and probably won't wait too long before having little kids. She's about getting things done, doing them right, and well. She's a spatula kind of girl.

I, on the other hand, am a total head bobber girl. I am responsible and in charge, but the thought of getting too adult-like gives me the willies. I have a full-time job with a salary and everything, but that money doesn't go to maintaining a "nest egg" so I can at some point buy a house. That money goes to my exorbitant car payment, my skiing passion, and the every expanding state of my wardrobe.

Hooray for ME!

Today my blog hit counter hit 1,000! I'm so proud. I'm even prouder because it only counts other people reading my page, not the millions of times a day I check it to see if someone cool left me a comment. Its nice to know that 2,000 eye balls have seen this page (even if 500 belong to my sister, and another 500 to my mom)

Somehow I've become the social organizer around here.

I don't how it happened, but I think it just grew out my A.D.D. and my new goal to be "kinder."

Anyway, tonight I was supposed to go on a date with the ear doctor. We were going to go to a haunted house together. First of all, I think this is kind of a creepy second date. Does he just want to take me somewhere to get me all scared and jump all over him or something? Well, our mutual friend his having a hard time so he proposed that we make it a group thing and invite her to come.

Since he's new to the area, the responsibility to invite people fell on my shoulders.

I started calling people.

Then, I got on a roll and wanted to make sure that no one got left out (me being "kinder") and ended up inviting about 20 people.

In the process people kept making comments about me always organizing things to do.

The weird thing is that I really don't like doing it that much. I really don't like having my house be the "party" house at all.

Alas, someone's got to do it.

Glorious

So I think it's becoming well known around the office that I'll do anything for a free little morsel of a treat. Today a total stranger offered me a large piece of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, and I didn't want to be rude and refuse, so I ate it in 3 seconds. Delicious. I love this new reputation.

Ever notice how hard it is to keep your energy up through the afternoon without a Pepsi? I feel like a tired beast right now, but I'm trying to wean myself from the goodness of that brown liquid. Not so much because it is in the "gray area" for Mormon consumption, but more because I don't think I should be reliant on any substance. If I can go without it, I prove to myself it isn't in control of me. Rather I control it. Bow down to me you dark master.

My shiny new whistle

Last night for enrichment we learned all about self defense.

One of the officers from the CU police department came to talk to us about sexual assault. He started out by saint that every year there are roughly 40 cases of sexual assault reported on campus. I guess as a general rule only 1 in 10 assaults are actually recorded. Doing the high powered math, that means about 400 times per school year an assault takes place. That's more than 1 girl a day. I was shocked! Then, he said that this was the safest he has ever seen this campus and he's worked here for 27 years. Wholly COW!

He said that it was safe now to be walking around at night on campus.

At BYU my freshmen year we were scared crapless about walking around campus at night and that was BYU, one of the safest places there is.

After his little spiel I raised my hand and asked what the percentage of assaults that involved alcohol was. He said it was upwards of 90%.

After that section we all got up and practiced maneuvers about how to get away from someone who is attacking us.

The first thing we learned was to stick both thumbs into the eye sockets of our attacker and push back them hard enough that they would smear on the back of their skull. I thought that was a bit graphic.

Anyway, someone asked a question about what if you were already on the ground, with someone on top of you.

The person leading the demonstration showed some complex wrestling move with a girl that weighed about 90 lbs.

I just sat there thinking, if some nasty guy was on top of you I sincerely doubt I'd ever be able to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in full support of being able to defend yourself and learning all you can to avoid the situation.

But, if somehow I were the victim of a rape I don't know if I'd be like, "man, if I'd only been able to pull that half nelson on a 200 lb maniac I could have avoided getting raped." Like it was somehow my fault.

The thing that I don't think gets stressed enough at these kind of things is the total and complete innocence of the victim. It doesn't matter if she was drunk, alone and passed out in the middle of a dark park under a bush it was not her fault that someone took advantage of her. She is a victim no matter what.

Auntie Marci 37:55-62

55 Yea, verily it is written that when the snow doeth fall, get thee to the mountains and make a gleeful sound. For neither rock nor branch nor small tree doeth corrupt the bases of thy skis if they are built upon the sure foundation of thy faith to survive.
56 If a doubt arises in thy heart as to the expedience of thy venture to the mountain, take no heed to thy worries, for thy skis surely shall be rentals and what damage is irreparable?
57 Thy skis shall be filled, thy tears upon thy clothing shall be mended, and thy poles with angles changed shall remain a testiment to thy steadfastness in the faith that the first trip need only be upon a six-inch base for, low, more snow shall come, as the night followeth the day, yea, it shall come. In great and wonderful whiteness, it shall come.
58 And if it so be that you must sacrifice your bodily parts upon the rocks, let it be said that you were among the first, the craziest to slide effortless to an exhalarating connection with the mountain spirits.
59 Thy bodily parts shall heal upon the passage of time and your faithfulness shall be rewarded upon the mountain with your giggles of delight.
60 For the time shall come when the snow shall melt, and ye shall say unto thyself, whoa is me for I was not first to go to the first resort upon opening and breathe the fresh air and feel the coldness upon my face. For I did sit upon my loins and did waste away the time of my vacation hours.
61 When the mud doeth overtake the slopes and the sky doeth blaze with that bright and powerful snowmelter and skin burner, let not thy lamentations cry, I did not go, I waited, I wasted, I let the days pass. For now there are no more days of whiteness. The hours of my addiction have all passed away and I live in guilt and misery for days spent not skiing, but working.
62 So go, take no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take care of itself if ye shall abide in faith and ski today.

Tales of the Yoga Ball

It was 4 pm and I was sitting impatiently at my desk. As the blue tick marks inched across the monitor I could feel myself physically willing the update of my program to go faster. Didn't it know that I wanted to leave ? After 3 minutes of what seemed to be a stalled out process the room began to darken and all I could focus on was the next little blue tick marks and the deafening constancy of the air vent located directly above my head.

Finally, after what seemed to be ages, the program terminated and released me from my indentured servitude. I grabbed my purse, phone and jacket and flew down the 5 flights of tightly spirally stairs and out the door. I raced through the parking lot and threw my belongings into the car.

Ah, sweet release.

I didn't matter to me what filled the next 16 hours as long as it had nothing to do with a computer or space technology.

As I opened the door to my little house I was overwhelmed by a peaceful sense of isolationism. I was the only one home and no one was due to arrive for hours. I roamed around, left trash from the mail wherever I wanted to and kicking my shoes into the exact center of the room.

I had 3 hours to be by myself and just unwind before FHE was slated to begin.

For FHE I decided that we'd play volleyball, but not just regular volleyball because that requires skill. In an attempt to level the playing field, we would use a yoga ball.

As I stepped up to the serving line all my middle school memories flooded over me. Fear that I wouldn't get it over the net, and even worse, fear that it wouldn't even come close. I whacked the crap out of the big blue mass and sent it sailing. Instant validation that, no, I am not a backward unathletic loser, and yes, I freakin rock at this game.

Aside from the kid who got a sprained ankle, there were relatively few injuries, and no blood whatsoever. I still managed to get smacked in the shoulder and will probably produce a pretty impressive bruise, but all in all, a pretty great FHE.

Even Sarah and Colin came, which made my day.

After FHE I stayed in the parking lot and talked to the ear doctor for quite a while. He is so funny, and really nice, but I am still not really interested in him. This is the trick of dating. You want to spend more time with someone to get to know them. Then, they think you are really interested. Then, after you've spent enough time to really know them you really know that you aren't interested. Then, you have to back out and someone gets hurt. Its usually me.

So get this

I no longer believe in Karma.

No matter what kind of good deeds you do, sometimes crappy things still happen.

Saturday morning I woke up early and met at the institute to help pick up trash along the stretch of highway that we adopted.

We drove out there and spent the whole morning picking up trash. It was fun to be out there with friends doing something to help. Coolest thing we found: home made bong created from an arrowhead water bottle, blue bic pen and wad of aluminum foil.

(As a sidenote to show what a brat I am, I thought the bong was really funny and asked the ear doctor to keep it out and the whole institute could take a picture of us around it for our scrap book. Like the nice guy that he is, he carried the nasty piece of trash around the whole morning because I asked. When we got back to the parking lot I forgot about it and drove away in a cloud of dust. He'd done that special for me, and I know he probably didn't want to and thought it was gross and I was an ungrateful little punk)

Anyway, I had to be at the nursing home for bingo at 1:30, and didn't leave my house until 1:15, so I was speeding trying to get there on time. I was driving down the newly cleaned highway, admiring our work when I got pulled over by the cop.

I was going 65 in a 50.

In my opinion that really isn't that bad.

The cop said that if I'd hit a biker going that speed he would have died.

I told him that if I'd hit a biker going 50, the speed limit he would have been toast so I don't really see how that particular reason in any way validates the fact that I was getting a ticket.

Anyway, after sitting there thinking for a while I realized that the universe can't be controlled by Karma, because I got a speeding ticket right after picking up trash and before helping old people play bingo.

Things happen to us regardless of what we do. What is in our control is how we react and what we take away from our experiences.

This is what I learned:
The Boulder city police force should take a basic course in physics if they really think a biker could be hit at 50 mph and not be toast.

In need of a recharge

Today I took a long lunch and drove around town. It is so pretty here today. While I was out on my drive I heard on the radio that Loveland is opening tomorrow. They are always the first Colorado ski resort to open. They have 3 runs and 1 chair running.

I'm torn.

I'd love to go up and enjoy the very first skiing of the season, but I know its going to be crappy. Do I drive 1.5 hours up to the mountains just to hit rocks and see dirt patches the whole way down?

I think I'd rather wait for a day that will be really great to inaugurate this season.

Funny thing with me and skiing. All summer I hem and haw about getting a season pass. I think in my mind, "will I really use it enough to make it worth my money" and "they are so far away its really a pain to drive all the way up there" and "what if no one wants to go to the places I want to go, am I really willing to spend all that money to do it if I have to go alone?"

Then a day like today hits.

It is clear, sunny, crisp and beautiful and all I wish I was doing is riding up a lift in preparation for a day that the mountain will kick my butt and make me sore and tired the next day.

I loose all control. Suddenly money is not an object, only a means for me to get up there and go whizzing down a beautiful wide groomed run.

Today I bought 3 Copper mountain 4passes (one is for my aunt and cousin who have promised to come ski with me this season).

I think I'll swing by Boulder Ski Deals and buy a new pair of boots after work.

Maybe a new coat?

I've got a problem

Ready to be poked

Last night we had a blood drive at our institute building. I really like giving blood. I was always scared of it, and, to be honest, it still kind of freaks me out. It makes me feel like I helped someone else out in some small way and that makes me feel good.

Anyway, I always get a little nervous when I sit in the chair. The guy doing my needle insertion seemed pretty nice, and since I use flirting as a way to calm down I set to work. Pretty soon we were joking around. When he was making that big circle of iodine on my arm he made a joke about that being his target. Immdeiately I was freaked out. The circle was about the size of an orange and my veins I KNOW are not that large. Anyway, I started freaking out, he had to elevate my feet, and I said in a high and wavery voice, "oh no, I'm totally THAT girl."

Anyway, the blood went fine, but slowly. I must have really low blood pressure or something.

After the drive I sat around and chatted with some people. For the first time ever I talked to Kat.

Here's the 411 on Kat:

• She got her PhD in neroscience (one smart cookie)
• She used to teach sunday school. She was the best teacher I've ever had in my life. She really made me think about stuff.
• She didn't get married until after she got her PhD, so she is one of those cool "you don't have to get married young" kind of people.
• She's way into "crafty" stuff, but not the kind of crafty stuff where you just take your junk and turn it into more junk. She knits and crochets and throws pottery and makes hand dipped chocolates.
• She expresses her emotions by crying.

There are a ton more things, but these things remind me so much of myself that I always thought we could be really good friends.

Last night I invited myself to go up to her house and crochet with her every Tuesday night. I really want to make a cool afghan, and since she is the resident queen of the needles, we decided to start kind of a club of sorts. I hope it works out and is fun.

Dear Person from Penn State

You've been reading my blog for almost 4 months now on almost a daily basis and have yet to leave me a comment. I find it distressing that you know so much about me and I know so little about you. Are you cool? Are you funny? Are you my new stalker?

Per the request of Miss Marinara

So my hometeachers....

The actually aren't MY hometeachers, but my friend Sarah's. They came over to "teach" her on Sunday evening and since I was there I thought I'd sit in.

We all sat down in her living room and I tried to pretend that I actually thought it was going to be worth my time.

First of all I have to back up a bit. One of her hometeachers is an acquaintance of mine...We drove down to the temple a month ago together. He got lost and we were almost too late to the session. We talked about Ayn Rand and Objectivism the whole way and it was really interesting, but he comes off as a pompous jerk who is just really proud about the fact that he's in law school. We also talked about how I want to go to Stanford or Princeton for grad school and he decided that I was really smart (not really true, I'm just a really hard worker with big dreams)

They started off with that obligatory, "so how's everything going in your life" stuff. Sarah chatted for a while. I guess they'd never come to see her before because she was telling them about her major and stuff. When she got around to telling them that she was studying to take the GRE's he interrupted her and said, "well, you do hang out with Colin and Katie, two of the smartest people, so maybe some of that will rub off."

I was floored and not in a good way. Sarah is way smarter than I will ever be. The girl practically has a 4.0 in biochemistry. Plus to intimate that she is the "dumb friend" that only hangs out with us so that our "smartness" rubs off on her mocks the close and sincere friendship that all three of us share.

After they left Sarah and I talked. She thought he was obviously intrigued by me and found her uninteresting. I have two reactions to this:

1) Yippee! Now I have another conceited, unthoughtful, self interested person interested in me. My dream come true.
2) Here's a little tip, pal: Don't offend my friends en route to what you may think is a compliment for me. I'm the most loyal person there is and it really won't impress.

Big news

Yesterday I went home from work at about noon because my knee hurt so much. I spent the whole day laying on the couch with a bag of frozen corn on my knee watching TV and movies. It was really boring and the highlights consisted of Sarah being the great friend she is and bringing me dinner, and Kirsten coming over to look it over and give me her advice. (since she's practically a practicing physical therapist)

My friends Amy and Brett decided to get engaged on Monday....and they're getting married Nov. 12. Yeah, pretty fast, but it works for them. They've known each other forever and since Amy's parents are here for the month from Saudi Arabia, they decided to just do it ASAP. On one hand I think it is just crazy and insane to do, on the other hand I really admire their can do attitude. If you know its right, and there is nothing holding you back, why wait?

So the ear doctor called me again last night. He's such a nice guy, but I just really am not all that interested in him. We chatted for a while and he asked me out again. The only thing is that I have plans for the next 3 weekends. We decided that we'd hang out next Thursday. This will be good because there will be a lot of down time and momentum can kind of stall out.

Also, this other kid from the ward keeps calling me. He's weird. He suggested that we have a mancala tournament for FHE. To that suggestion I just raised my eyebrows, smiled and said I'd look into it.

This is a really weird situation for me. There are like 4 guys who are calling me, asking me out, being interested and I'm not really interested in any of them. That's never really happened to me before.

I hate blogger

Why is it every time I write a really long, interesting, and well written (all in my estimation) post that blogger decides it is the best time move like molasses. Its like blogger knows how impatient I am and can sense the exact moment I will give up and just exit before letting my wonderful new post come up.

This will in no way be as good as the original. My second attempt never is as good as the first.

This weekend I did the following:

• Friday night slumber party with the girls during which we paid homage to the great artists of our generation including, but not limited to, the following: Debbie Gibson, Lisa Loeb, New Kids on the Block and Whitesnake.
• Saturday I got my friend Kirsten (the mail man's sister) flowers and balloons because she took her PT board exam
• Volunteered at the nursing home playing bingo. I never won which makes me think that the old ladies were somehow cheating to win the scary stuffed animals and broken lamps.
• Went to a housewarming party where I had to tread the line between being friendly and making sure my friend knew I'm not really interested in him "that" way.
• Got accosted by bleeding heart tree huggers who wanted me to miss out on seeing the elephants at the circus. Some people have seen Dumbo a few too many times.
• Went to the circus with a really nice guy who will hence forth be referred to as ear doctor because he is studying audiology at CU. He reminds me of my friend Alan from school, so I instantly felt comfortable around him.
• Made orange rolls for family dinner.
• Found out family dinner was cancelled.
• Cursed my friends for not being considerate enough to call and tell me that dinner had been cancelled before I woke up 1.5 hours early to start making said orange rolls.
• Ate so many orange rolls I was ill.
• Thought of my Aunt Sandy and how much she loved the rolls and how much I am really going to miss her at Thanksgiving this year.
• Had dinner with Sarah and Colin.
• Got offended by the hometeachers.
• Went over to the Boy's house for dessert.
• Fell asleep reading with my contacts in.

That about sums up the weekend.

I am a lucky, lucky girl

Just so that they whole internet knows, today is the third day in a row that I've scammed free lunch! Pretty impressive, huh.

Unfortunate Side Effects

So I really like writing this blog. I think it is a good exercise for me to practice my writing, because in general I consider myself a typical engineer with poor verbal skills.

The thing is, I spend half an hour trying to think of the interesting things in my day to write about. Then, after I've hashed through all the even remotely interesting events I figure I've told them all. The result of this mentality is that I am actually growing more distant from people who don't read my blog. When they ask me what's going on in my life I can't think of anything new to tell because I've already told everything to my blog.

So I guess, if you miss out on reading this, you're probably going to miss out on a lot that is happening with me.

Although, now that I think about it, if you're reading this you probably aren't the person I need to be explaining this to.

Oh, no, now that I've confessed this to my blog I probably won't tell the people who aren't getting the stories about it.

They'll be in the dark about being in the dark.

Viscious cycle.

23 going on 14

So today my co-worker asked me if I liked this guy that we work with. It totally reminded me of middle school.

You know, when you liked someone (person A), but were so scared of rejection that you sent your friend (person B) to slyly ask their friend (person C) what person A would do if you (person D) ever asked them out. It was confusing and difficult and in the end it was a miracle if through all the chain of communication you and person A ever ended up having your parents drop you off at the mall at the same time.

Well, I'm 23 now and this morning felt like I was playing that same old game.

Lame.

Also, last night at FHE I had totally prepared myself to ask this guy to go to the circus with me on Saturday night, but when I got there and saw him I wimped out. I'm pretty sure that if he doesn't already have plans, he would totally want to go out with me, but I just didn't feel like putting all the effort in to actually ask him out. I guess I'm just lazy. Maybe if I get my friend to go up to him and ask him what he would say if I hypothetically asked him out for Saturday. Now there's a thought....

Every day comedians

So in the past couple of days some people have said some really funny things unintentionally:

1. My sister's roommate Heather was telling about this guy that she knows. I guess he was born in Italy, but moved over to the states when he was 4. She was describing how you could hardly tell that he'd been born over seas because he was as American as the come. She said, "he only lived over there when he was little, so he hadn't really become italicized." So he didn't walk at a slant and have curly ends?

2. My grandma is a really into gardening. Sunday I went over to visit her, and she was really excited about the new tool she bought. She was describing it to me and said, "it's a long pole with a hooker on it." I didn't think you could buy those at the hardware store, I thought they were more of a strip club or hip hop artist living room kind of thing.

3. Last night an ambulance was speeding past our house and my roommate said, "Something good's not happening." I'm pretty sure she meant to say, "something not good is happening" but the way she said it made me think maybe she had some kind of psychic fortune telling powers. Maybe I should have her read my tarot cards or something.