Friday, June 30, 2006

Dear Adam Sandler,

I have to admit, I've been a fan of your work for quite some time. I've loved almost everything you've ever put out there. From your light and goofy era of Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison to your more romantic side of Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates it's all been good. (I'm pretending here that that animation 8 crazy nights never happened).

Not only have you provided much needed tension-releasing entertained in my life, but the life lessons you've taught me have come in quite handy. Occasionally I find myself falling back to your silver screen antics to solve one of my personal problems. For example, yesterday I considered depositing a flaming bag of poo on Meeeeee-gan's doorstep. Oh what sweet revenge it would have been to watch from her bushes as she jumped up and down on the bag to put out the flame while her husband and all the neighbors looked down on her disturbing the peace of their neighborhood.

Last night the ear doctor and I went to see your new movie Click. I was prepared for a few laughs and some light hearted comedy. What I got was far more.

That movie was excellent. It went beyond your normal bounds of love-at-first-sight romance or seeing some loser overcome his losery-ness.

It actually made me tear up and cry. It made me examine my life and make sure I had my priorities right.

It was moving, deep and powerful.

So thank you. For being yourself, for staying true to who you are and doing what you do best.

On a side note, I also think it is very cool that every movie you make has some aspect of Judaism it in. Props.



Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Dear Meeeeeeee-gan,

As I told you during our first phone conversation I saw your listing for a 4 bedroom house to rent on craigslist. From what I could tell in the photos supplied, your home is really quite cute and may be just what my friends and I are looking for. You seemed cordial enough on the phone during our first conversation. However I have since learned your true nature.....that of heinous spawn of the devil.

Your true colors shone through brilliantly yesterday when I called to make a follow up for our walk through of your rental. In my most friendly, yet efficient and responsible-renter tone I introduced myself again and before I had a chance to confirm our appointment that YOU MADE I was rudely interrupted.

You informed me that you had spoken with your husband and all the neighbors and decided that we weren't good enough for your precious little area. I guess at the neighborhood council last night you had them all up in arms about the 4 wild hooligans that were interested in turning their idyllic sanctuary of a neighborhood into the kind of place that little children wouldn't be safe out at night.

And I guess you're right to worry about the 4 faithful, church-going, full-time employed, college graduates and their tendency to not only bring down the property values of the neighborhood by parking our 23 broken down cars on blocks in front of the house, but also start a meth lab in the basement. That likelihood is very high.

Good luck trying to find a small family to rent your house....for $2000/mo.

I have a news flash for you. If I was a small family and had enough money to afford a $2000/mo rent I would BUY a house, not rent something in an overprentious, stuck-up, nosy, and not really all that nice neighborhood.

And I hope you take my suggestion to heart. Remember? The one where I said you should change your craigslist ad to say something like,

This renter is only interested in renting to small families. She heartily supports discrimination based on life circumstances outside of ones control. Don't even think of applying unless you are a small family with a ridiculously large income and don't have the brains to actually buy housing and start gaining some equity with all that money you throw around. And really, if you are anything but white, upperclass and own at least two audis (or equivalent) you will never be accepted in the neighborhood so you might as well not even apply.

Good luck finding a renter.



Friday, June 23, 2006

Dear guy who was riding his motorcycle to work without a helmet,

This morning when you pulled up beside me at the stoplight at 27th and Baseline you looked over at me in my car and gave me the rudest look.

Was that really necessary?

I mean, I was only belting Mariah Carey's "Hero" at the top of my lungs with every window open. Is that really so offensive?

Oh, I see your point.

Carry on.



Thursday, June 22, 2006

Dear Bed,

Since I have been back from Oregon I have slept in you twice. Neither night has been restful. You have done your very best to preclude me from entering your soft refuge of shedded feathers of fowl and I'm left questioning why?

Have I done something to offend you?

Are you taking out your anger in a passive-aggressive (non)statement?

It seems that way to me.

Every night I fall asleep on my back with my hands folded serenely over my torso. Every night, that is, until I got back from my trip. Now when I flop in bed I am immediately impelled to turn over onto my stomach. I never sleep on my stomach. I don't like sleeping on my stomach.

Anyway, I think your behavior is childish.

If you have a problem with me you have to tell me.

I'm not a mind reader here.

I hate to throw around ultimatums, but if you don't allow me into your cool cocoon of comfort tonight I'm going to target to get new sheets.

Don't tempt me because I will do it.



Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Dear Jenny and Jordan,

Look what happened:

Jenny's love of my buddy Bill


Jordan's love of the puddin pop pusher

Eerie, no?



Dear Oregon State,

Last weekend I took a trip up to your lovely campus to see my little sister graduate from college.

First let me comment on what a beautiful location you've chosen for yourself. The Willamette valley is one of the most breathtaking places on the planet. It is so green and intense that I felt like I was driving through a mural. Also, Corvallis itself is adorable. There were so many gorgeous old houses with character and charm. And the intense scent of the mint fields just up the road made my olfactory senses reel in nirvana.

However, there were a few things about the trip that I feel compelled to point out. I do this, not because I am a complainer, but because I feel like if you don't know what is wrong you can never fix it. And I'm all about being helpful.

There should be some kind of warning as soon as you enter the valley to anyone who has hayfever to pick up their SARS mask before driving any further. I had the worst allergies of my life this weekend. My head felt like exploding. Although the Pollyanna in me did come out when I realized I probably lost 5 lbs in snot alone.

Also, after receiving their degrees almost half of the student body just got up and walked out of the ceremony. By the time the handing out of the degrees was done the seats down on the field, intended for the graduates to enjoy one last celebratory moment together, were half way emptied. All of the Masters students had left even before the undergrads had even got anything! I felt like it was very tacky and rude not to wait to support the others. I've never seen anything like it. My thoughts were this, "if you don't want to sit through the ceremony and don't want to walk that's fine...Don't come to the ceremony. But don't come, sit through all of the pomp and circumstance for 2 hours and leave before my little sister (whose last name starts with a W and was part of the last department to walk) has a chance to get hers. Its all or nothin folks"

Thanks for taking the time to read this letter.

Go Beavs!



PS My dad thought your stadium was awesome.

PPS Serving concessions during graduation is a genius move.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Dear Heidi's,

Oh my gosh. You will never believe what the ear doctor did for me.

So remember the other day when we tried to have you for lunch and I had to be back to work for a really stupid meeting. Come on, remember? It was the day I didn't get to eat there because the ear doctor and I got preoccupied and didn't show up to your door until 20 minutes before my meeting started. Well, I decided I didn't want to chance being late for the meeting, so I left the ear doctor there and headed back to my office.

That whole afternoon I was totally starving because I hadn't had time to eat.

So last night the ear doctor said that he had a surprise for me. Excitedly, I waited until after our institute (bible study) class. Then, the ear doctor pulled me into the little kitchen area. He pulled out two small square Styrofoam take-out containers.

He opened the first one and there was one of your beautiful cannolis. As he reached for the second one I said out loud, "if there is an eclair in that box you are the man of my dreams."

He reached over and unlocked the little Styrofoam tab and there it was. The eclair. We both sat on the counter talking and laughing and enjoying your delicious gourmet desserts. It was awesome.

Oh, Heidis, I think I love this man.



Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Dear neighbor,

I think it is very important to be nice to your neighbors. In my head I still hold this idyllic image of everyone on the block getting together for 4th of July BBQ's. I like thinking that when someone new moves in you bring a plate of cookies because you want to get to know them.

This is why it pains me to have to write this letter.

This morning as I lay in my bed at 6:45 am, I was in a half awakened state. This is my favorite part of the morning. Laying there and realizing that I can turn over, tuck my down comforter up under my chin, search my right foot around for a cool spot in bed and fall back to sleep for half an hour.

Then, your thoughtlessness interrupted my revere.

You started to mow your lawn.

In the etiquette of neighborly-ness (on which I'm sure Emily Post is currently working) it is commonly known that you don't start mowing your lawn at a time when you will be waking up the entire neighborhood.

You and the guy who is re-roofing his house (at 7 am) need to get together and make a pact about this.

Thanks so much for your understanding. I hope this won't damage our relationship, but if you continue I'm going to have to start letting my roommate's dog poo on your lawn.

Fair is fair.



Monday, June 12, 2006

Dear Rockies,

Saturday night I braved the traffic down the Denver with a bunch of friends to watch you play a game against the Dodgers. But, I have to be honest with you because that is what real friends do, I've never really liked baseball. The game is slower than basketball, usually doesn't have the eye candy like football or soccer, and for some reason I always end up with my ankles splashed by someone else's warm beer.

Nevertheless, this outing was my idea and my sacrifice because the ear doctor loves the Dodgers. I thought, because your reputation for less than stellar baseball prowess, that the ear doctor would have a great time seeing his team demolish the competition.

Imagine my surprise when, after hiking the equivalent of Mt. Everest and finding found our seats in the very top of the stadium, in the first inning you had already pulled ahead of your adversaries!

Additionally, I had a personal sports-related first. In between my first course of foot-long hotdog and giant diet coke and second course of twisted cinnamon sugar covered pretzel I saw one of the players break the bat! And, even though my friend Super-Softball-Chick (SSC) derided me for it, I experienced childlike fascination with the long, pointy shard of wood that came flying out almost to the first baseman.

Usually I get very bored with the game by the beginning of the 6th inning, but the game you provided this Saturday managed to keep my interest. You must have been giving the game your best effort (because I was there?) because you were leading the Dodgers the whole game. Although this was frustrating for the ear doctor I found it very interesting.

We walked around the stadium to find some better seats and got to watch the game from every vantage. In the end we returned to our seats in the nosebleeds to meet up with the rest of the group. When we got back the ground at our seats was soaking wet with beer. In the time that we'd left to walk around someone has spilled theirs and I missed getting splashed! How great is that.

In the end of the game there was a very tense moment where there was a full count and 2 outs and the pitcher walked one of the players. I really appreciate you keeping the suspense up and letting me feel that I got my money's worth out of my $9 ticket. Very considerate of you.

All in all, I had a wonderful outing and I really appreciate all your hard work.



Friday, June 09, 2006

Dear random guy at work,

Alright, I get it. You are more than just a nerdy engineer. You have risen above the countless weekend hours you spent during middle school playing D&D and are now hip, trendy, and have roped in that elusive quality...."coolness."

But please, for all that his holy on God's green earth, STOP TRYING TO PROVE IT BY WHISTLING.

I know you go out to small clubs all around Denver to listen to new undiscovered bands and have the best taste in music. However, why do you feel the need to put those air traffic controller headphones on and whistle along to the burnt copies of the band's CD that the drummer handed you last night after the show?!?!?

Do you realize that the whistling is monotone and pounds in my ears with the unrelenting force of a rabid rebel force?!?!?

And on a Friday afternoon?

Just thought you might like to know how I feel.



Thursday, June 08, 2006

Dear United Airlines,

I'm writing you to express my joy at discovering a new service that you provide. Thank you so much for sending out an automated message to everyone on a flight that you cancel and rebook. In the future, I see this as a potentially very useful feature. Also, while I hope it never happens to me, if my flight does get cancelled it would be very nice of you to let me know before I brave the Denver traffic to get out to the airport.

However, when you called my cell phone at 6 am this morning to tell me that Ron and Renee Schnider's flight to Chicago had been cancelled and their flights rebooked onto a later flight I was a little bit annoyed.

Last night was the hottest night yet in my airconditioning free bedroom. Coupled with the heat, every muscle in my upper body was SCREAMING from my first day of 2006 summer water skiing. The result? I didn't fall asleep until about 3:30 am when it finally cooled down enough in my room that the glass of water on my nightstand stopped boiling. Imagine my delight to be awoken by the ringing of my phone at 6. Also, because I didn't answer it and just let it go to voicemail (foolishly thinking I could just fall back to sleep) I didn't know who it was.

Suddenly, the words of a nagging voice in the back of my head crystallized.

Who would be calling me so early on a Thursday morning? It must be my mom. It must be an emergency. Oh no, my Uncle, who has been suffering with brain cancer for 12 years, has slipped into critical condition. Now I'm going to have to get a plane ticket up to Seattle. I wonder if the airlines reserve seats at cheaper prices for just such emergencies. Can I afford to even go? Can I afford not to go?

Then, on an adrenaline rush I reached over and picked up the phone. Imagine my elation at hearing the metallic voice of a computer telling me that someone else's flight was cancelled. Someone else who gets to leave work and go on a trip. A vacation. A get away.

In summary, I just want to send my congratulations to your company for offering such a helpful service. I hope in the future this type of thing comes in handy for me and saves me a headache. However, it is clear that there are still a few kinks to work out of the system.

I hope my input has been helpful.



Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Top 10 ways to spend a Tuesday morning

The premise of this countdown list is that you aren't on vacation and still have to go to work. Otherwise, obviously, not going to work and playing all day long is the best way to spend any time.

Without further ado:

10. Lay in bed realizing that you have to go to work, but being late won't be a big deal.
9. Wake up not covered in sweat because it got cool enough the night before to take the sweltering edge off of the air inside your 30 year old, air conditioning free house.
8. Wake up 5 minutes before the alarm and feeling totally alert.
7. Go through the morning routine not dreading the next 8 hours you have to spend at work.
6. Say a really heartfelt prayer.
5. Have your mom call you to tell you that she is going to buy you a plane ticket to come home and visit in July for your birthday.
4. Make yourself an English muffin where every little craggy hole is filled to the brim with delicious, melty real butter.
3. Blare your favorite CD with the windows down until the upper-middle class suburban "Ganstas" in the car next to you look over and make a face that says, "I can't hardly hear my own hard core rap over that crap you're blasting.
2. Realize why you like spending time with your roommate.
1. Hit the lake for 2 hours of waterskiing just as the sun is coming up over the rim and have the most beautiful glassy water of your life.

In case you couldn't tell, all of the above happened to me this morning. HOORAY!

Monday, June 05, 2006


So, in case you haven't noticed, today is the day of the new blog layout (she announces over the deafening screams of excited fans).

I know, I know, this is a much anticipated day.

You are probably feeling a mix of emotions. Everything from excitement and elation to a bit of fear and betrayal.

Don't worry, everything will be alright.

You'll learn to love the new and different parts of life.

Don't be afraid to let go and experience new things. It can be strange and uncomfortable, but in the end you will have grown into such a stronger, more experienced, more empathetic person.

And isn't that what life is all about....growing, learning, developing?

Friday, June 02, 2006

The Hills

Alright, I have to admit something that is slightly embarrassing.

I am a total sucker for high school teen dramas.

Yesterday I left work early and went to see Just my Luck and guess what....I thought it was decent. Predictable, yes. Cheesy, yes. Just like every other movie in this genre, yes. An enjoyable way to spend an afternoon, yes.

Knowing this, you can't really be surprised when I also admit that I liked watching Laguna Beach. It was bizarre to watch those highschoolers and to realize that that was reality for some people. Some people really did go to high school with people who could all be found in the pages of the latest Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.

Consequently, I was mildly interested in the new show "The Hills" which follows one of the Laguna kids up to LA to keep filming this person's life. Last night I got around to watching it (thankyou DVR).

It was retarded.

It made me mad that because this person is on MTV she got a very coveted internship with a fashion magazine and she can barely even write. Then, her only job at some dumb celebrity party was to keep people from sitting on a few chairs and she couldn't even do that. It just bugs me knowing that there is probably a ton of people out there who are hard working, smart, ambitious people who would die for that job and here is this MTV kid getting their job and screwing it all up. Ugh.

And her little friend Heidi? When she was in an interview with the dean of her new fashion college she flat out told the dean that she pretty much doesn't care about school and just wants to party. A few times the camera panned back to her face and the only adjective I could think of was vapid.

So why is it that I have total patience for these characters last year when they were in high school and now that they're in the "real world" I can't handle it?

After watching the show I felt kind of bad for the characters because in 10 years they will (hopefully) have matured, found what they really wanted in life and contributed to society and they will have a complete season set of DVDs showing how silly and foolish they were at 19.

At least the rest of us have those dark moments undocumented and not presented for entire country to see.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

More on marriage

Earlier in the semester I told a friend that I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't of my same religious faith.

He was shocked.

He called me close minded.

I asked him if he had any kind of traits that he was looking for in someone that he was going to spend his life with. He rattled off a list of things like, athletic, smart, preferably from the mid-west, ect.

The subject of our conversation moved on, but since then I've been thinking about it.

Do you think it is more closed minded to not consider marrying someone because they have a different religious belief, or because they didn't like to rock climb?

Is it really so bad to say, "out of the millions of people who I could potentially spend my life with can't I pick to be with someone who shares the same answer to the fundamental questions of existence, like 'why am I here?' 'what purpose does my life have?' "what happens after death?'"

I just don't think that's a close minded choice.

But if you do, tell me. I want to know. I promise not to be offended in any way. I just want to hear other perspectives out there.

I enjoy being a girl...

I don't know why, but I can never find a dress that I like. They are always too short, too long, the wrong color, the wrong cut, the wrong material, poorly made, way too expensive, ect.

However, after reading Jordan's blog (a cool new blog that I really like), I stumbled onto the dress of my dreams.

It is just beautiful. How I long for this dress. Actually, if it were just a little bit different I would probably have to run right out and drop the whopping $350 that it cost. Here are my alterations that would make this dress absolutely perfect.

First, I would add little capped sleeves. Sleeves that just barley sneak over the top of my shoulder. The sleeves would have curved folds in them to keep the line of the swooping material that goes under the bustline.

Second, I would raise the neckline in the back up a bit. I think a low back is very very pretty, but having it that low means that I probably wouldn't wear it to church. I would like to be able to wear this dress-of-perfection everywhere and for anything and the higher back would let me do that.