Almost a month ago my friend Eleanor wrote a really interesting post about having one child. It has stuck with me since then and I've thought about it over and over.
Up until now, my perception of a family included at least 2 kids. Probably because my family growing up had more than one child, maybe because I practice a religion that has cultural connotations of large families, possibly because that's mostly what I've interacted with.
I just didn't think having only one child was an option. Like they came in sets of at least two, like socks. I didn't ever think it was acceptable to just get one sock. Wouldn't that single sock be lonely? How would a single sock feel in a world of socks used to being in a pair? Would it always feel like the odd man out?
For some reason it took this one, small post to set my preconceived notions on edge.
Since then I've read and heard a lot about the sustainability of the earth and the impact we have as our population grows without limit. I started asking myself, "does a large family make sense to/for US?"
(please don't think I'm implying anything about anyone else's family. I think the choice to have kids/not have kids/have 1 kid/have a million kids is SO personal and I would never think to judge someone else's situation)
Thinking more, I realized that I had a perfect model to study. The ear doctor is an only child, and does not live up to the negative (and generally false) stereotype. Instead, he is incredibly thoughtful and outgoing. He is much more patient than I am. His communication skills are worlds better than mine. He has an amazing relationship with his parents. Growing up, his parents were able to give him some amazing opportunities that they might not have been able to if he had many siblings.
So I guess what I've been thinking is this: maybe it's about time for me, to start thinking a bit outside of my own little box and really consider all options for the future of our family. Why on earth would I make such an important decision based on preconceived ideals or notions? Or worse yet, expectations set forth by someone/something else?
Who knows, maybe only wearing one sock is the most comfortable and, in the end, best way for us?
Friday, August 01, 2008
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15 comments:
What does the Ear Doctor say? Is he fine with only one or does he want more than one? I too would fear the one child would be lonely once Hubby and I die. Are you guys close to having kids because your opinion could change, especially after you have one. I've always wanted a large family and while Hubby will go along with it, he was always envisioning 2 kids, max. Although, one of my dearest friends is an only child and she has the best of everything so to speak. Such a dillemma, esp when you throw in religion!!
P.S. More and more and MORE of my Mormon girlfriends are like, "Two is my limit!" I have only one who is like, "Bring on the BIG family!" But she's also wealthy so therefor less concerned with the expense involved with large families.
Ear doctor and I have talked about this a lot and neither of us really feels like there is a golden number out there for us.
For some reason I just never considered 1 an acceptable answer to the question. Now, I'm throwing it into the mix. That's all I was trying to say.
I'm really really worried that something in this post might hurt someone's feelings. I really hope it doesn't.....
Anyone who reads your blog would know that you are not making judgements, and have no desire to hurt anyone's feelings.
I am the youngest of three kids. I think that's a great sized family.
I have always thought if I have the opportunity to have kids that I would want just 2.
Then I read Pope John Paul II's writings on family and he purports that three is the ideal minimum. The reason he concluded that - is because three or more is than a 'community'. Still a family after Mom and Dad are gone.
My sister, the oldest, died 22 years ago... my brother and I are not close. I think if she were still alive (based on her personality) that she would be the one making sure that the three of us kept in contact, saw each other, get the family together.
My brother and I don't have enough in common to make that happen. But my sister would have been able to do it.
Just some thoughts.
than should be then /\
sorry
I sometimes cringe when I feel like people are trying to influence my opinion of what a "family" is, but as far as kids are concerned, I think you are right on. A family is a family, two kids, no kids, a zillion, etc.
It's possible that once you try one sock on, you might think, "This sock is SOOOOO awesome, let's get, like, 7 more". Or not!! :)
Wow, I am so happy that my little post gave you something to think about. I too was worried it would set people on edge, bringing up such a sensitive subject, but every comment, regardless of whether or not it was in agreement, had positive things to say.
Now, for my real opinion to come out about this idea that a couple should have more than one kid so that their child isn't lonely thing... Um, what? Really? I was never lonely. Are you lonely now without your siblings around all the time? Of course not. You have friends, spouses, co-workers, and on and on and on. My best friends, my cousins, my neighbors, my pets ;), all these people {slash animals} filled many of the roles a sibling would've - without any dire consequences.
I really don't care either way, whether or not people have no kids, or 11, but I think it's important to get the perspective of only-children before giving into the assumption that our childhoods were people or love deprived.
I'm also an only child and personally I would never only have 1. I've been told a lot that I am more like an oldest than an only - hyper-responsible, looking out for others, etc.
I always wanted brothers and sisters, but for whatever reason they never came along. My parents were great about letting my friends come over and socializing me from a very young age, but I still have that twinge of loneliness sometimes when I see my friends interact with their siblings.
I have married into some siblings-in-law, which is great. But they're still not my siblings, even though they are my family now.
And though I hope this is something your children don't have to think about for many years, I have the added burden of health and other issues with my parents. They are still relatively young (52 and 58), but my mother especially has a lot of health problems. There is a lot that weighs on me with regard to wondering what the future holds and sometimes I wish there was someone else out there who was also their child who I could commiserate with, discuss things with, and lean on.
So that's my purely emotional (and slightly practical) take on that. I would never presume to tell someone how many children I think they should have. But throughout my life I have been a strong advocate for more than 1 because I feel like there is something missing from my own life.
It's funny you should write this post... I've been thinking about one like this for awhile now. First of all- NOTHING in your post seems judgemental or condescending at all, so no worries.
Before we had Amelia, I wanted loads & loads of kids. 3 or 4. 2 at the very least!
But NOW... we have her and she is so, so, so amazing. We give her our attention and our energy. She has flourished and thrived and we have been able to observe every single moment, milestone, and silly action with complete attention to detail. There are so many wonderful things about having JUST her right now, that we've started to think... "hmmm... this is really not bad!"
Of course, we go back and forth. But having an only is certainly a much easier lifestyle in many ways. We are able to travel all over with her, it's so easy to find a last minute sitter anytime we want, we can be completely spontaneous and spend the entire day on the boat with her. It's really not THAT much different than it just being the two of us, because she is so easy going and fun. If there was another baby, things would get doubly difficult.
I will definitely write a post on this when I get my thoughts straight... thank you for sharing yours! xoxo
It's a really personal decision, I think. I have three friends who are only children themselves. All three of them are very well rounded, very close to their parents, and have wonderful social skills. They are also all three VERY OK with the fact that they don't have siblings. I've heard them all on occasion make comments about how they were always glad they always got their parents' undivided attention and how they were just fine with using their cousins/neighbors/family friends as playmates.
And now...all three of them have two children each of their own, and I'm not sure any of them are finished, lol.
After we had Lila, my husband was fairly content with just having one child. He'd say he wouldn't mind a second, but he would also be fine with just one. I'm not sure if that was brought on by what it took for us to actually have a baby and the fear of going through all that again or what, but I think he honestly would have been OK with only one. Eventually though, we both got the bug again and decided we just really, really love parenting, and Lila really, really loves other kids. I think it's the best thing for us....but at the same time, I realize it's not for everyone.
So, good luck deciding. I'd say it probably won't be clear for you until you have at least one, but it's probably good to think about now.
From one redhead (with lily white skin)to another readhead -
My mom is an "only child". She didn't particularly realize she was lonely until she was older. When her parents became elderly, it was her sole responsibility to take care of them. Or, I should say, luckily I lived close and was old enough to help out. On the reverse side, she had no siblings to quarrel with about care and dividing up belongings.
I sort of had 2 only children. God saw fit to give them to us almost 10 years apart. The second one was such a surprise that I had a hard time adjusting. (Wouldn't give her back for anything in the world, tho:) )
My advice: have as many children as you want to. While it is probably wise to include your husband in the decision, it is your body, and you will probably be the one that takes the most care of the child.
I don't think anyone would be offended by your post. I am strictly of the opinion that love makes a family (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's truly what I think), whether you are married with 10 kids, or single and have some great friends.
What really gets me though is all the MOMs lately who seem to be judging EACH OTHER. It makes me crazy. The women who tell ME how many kids would be "ideal" for me. Or whether it's best for ME to continue working or stay at home. How could they POSSIBLY know that unless they ARE ME?!?!
There are ALL KINDS of correct decisions you and your husband can make about your family. Assuming there's thought behind your choices (which is already apparent), everything is fine. :)
Also, I hope with every fabric of my being that the statement in the last comment "...probably wise to include your husband in the decision, (...)you will probably be the one that takes the most care of the child", is not true. Ugh.
All the best. (and apologies for the longest comment ever!) ;)
1, 3, 16-i like what you are saying, that the idea of how many you "should" have is entirely up to you. and that ear doctor ; )
this has nothing to do with the post, but...
i'm going down to mexico city the 18-23 to visit the parents. you and ED should totally come! it'll be a party.
All I know is that I love all my kids, even the one I brought home from the neighbors.
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