Thursday, June 10, 2004

Question of the day

Why is it that as soon as word is out in a singles ward that you are no longer dating someone all the weirdos come out of the woodwork? You may be saying to yourself, "they do not, this girl is being dramatic and over exaggerating the situation." To those of you who doubt let me site two of the most recent examples.

1. About a week ago I left the building after church and some stranger had left a burnt CD on my car. I looked at it dubiously as I read the hand printed title "Songs about Something." Frightened, I yell to my friend Sarah to come and listen to the tracks with me. Somewhere in between Alison Krauss's "When you say nothing at all" and that stake dance immortal classic that starts "Every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me...." I turned to her with fear in my eyes. The only person I know well enough to give me a CD of love songs would be my ex-boyfriend, and not only does he have WAY better taste in music than that, but also there is no way he would do something that nice for me. That left about 50 strange suspects. For the last 2 years there has been this kid in the ward who keeps telling me that he is crazy about me. I think this is strange because I don't really know the kid, and the way he lets me know about his affections always kind of weird me out; like leaving an anonymous CD of love songs on my car. Just a strange one. Anyway, he was my prime suspect. About 2 days later I got a call on my phone from a number I didn't recognize. Ordinarily I wouldn't answer, but that night I was throwing a party for a friend, and I thought it might be someone who was lost. Anyway, I answered the phone and this voice came on. He asked if I like what he left. I was like, "oh, so you left it" (I didn't recognize the voice still). He said yes. I asked who it was. He said his name. I said "oh". He said, "well, do you have any comments?" I said, "(name here), I don't even really know you. I think it is a little strange that you act this way toward me since you don't really know me either." He said "oh" and hung up. See what I mean, weirdos out of the woodwork.

2. My second example comes from last night. We'd just finished institute class, and I was hanging around talking and being social. Anyway, this kid came up to me and attempted some intricate handshake that you had to be a Mensa candidate to figure out. Anyway, after the embarrassing moment of me not being able to figure out his physical greeting initiation, I tried to blame my ineptitude on the fact that I have a cut on my thumb. From this he decided that it was time to show me all of the scars he has. Just as a side note, this is not a way to impress girls. We don't really care to see that you've been a moron in the past and have the physical proof to back up your claim. Anyway, then he moved to show me a bruise on his right hand between his pinky knuckle and the next one over. He then proudly boasted that this injury came from the punching bag. I guess he punched it over and over so fast and hard that he hurt his hand. He was like "yeah, I can hit that things so fast. Everyone is really impressed when I do it. Last time though I was kind of dragging my hand past the bag, so when I was done I had a bruise." I was just kind of looking at him in confusion. Is this supposed to impress me? Honestly, I don't think I've ever included on my "list of qualities for an ideal man" the ability to pummel something to pulp. After an awkward moment of silence he said, "Well, I'll give you a call sometime, I've got your number." In my head I thought, "Yippee! All my dreams are coming true. Now I can dust off that old oak chest that contains my dowry filled with lace doilies and hand appliqu├ęd quilts. Now I have a man who will beat me if I ever think of leaving the kitchen without a baby in my belly, or a nice pair of shoes. The come running of the woodwork.


Maggie said...


Katie said...

Tell me about it. Oh mags, did I tell you that my friend "scary steve" from Spokane is down here in Boulder for the summer? He too called me last night to hang out. Luckily I was reading and taking a bath, so I didn't feel obligated to answer it.

Maggie said...

Didn't I meet Scary Steve while I was there? Maybe not, the guy I met was attractive and had dark hair. Was that him? I think he was shorter than I was, but at the time I was sweaty and had no chance at looking cool so I gave up at scoping out the other people there.